January 26th 2015

Marriage...

 What is marriage? Is it an agreement between two people to be faithful to one another, and to fight all battles side by side? Is it just a word that really has no meaning of any thing any more? Is it a Promise between you, yours and your god(s/esses) that you are trusting in them that your soul mate has been found? What is marriage?

 I'm asking because it the 23 years of my parents marriage it has been the fighting beside each other to over come all trials they faced, and still face. It has been surviving the long distances between them while my dad drove truck, and worked away from home. It has been trusting each other not to cause that deep rooted pain of being unfaithful, or leaving and never coming back.
Yet, in my own one year and a month and five days of marriage it has been trials, tribulations, battles and fights fought WITH each other. Never side by side or in agreement over anything. It has been worse heartbreak then I could of ever pretended to know. It has been repeated trial and tribulations from day one of this marriage. Yet He says his VOWS mean the world to him. This is my first marriage and I pray my only. But how much weight does each person pull in a marriage? is it 50% 50% or 100% all to one person? I had the silly inclination that it was SUPPOSED to be 100% self and 100% spouse. But believe you me that is NOT how this particular marriage is. It may be in his mind, but in mine, its closer to 25% self, because I honestly can push any more out of myself. I just don't care any more. And he is maybe ... well... I'm not sure. Yea, he goes to work, but WHY? to make money for the FAMILY? Not really; to get away from the house and do something that makes him feel better about himself? Most likely. How sad is that?

Honestly. HOW FRIGGEN SAD.

How sad is it that its completely possible for me to look into my future, not see him there; and not have any negative or positive emotion about it? How sad is it that when another man tells me I'm beautiful I blush? Part because I'm being complemented by someone other than my own husband, and part because some body noticed who isn't my own husband. Is it sad that not even in my thirties yet, my husband doesn't hardly ever see me with out clothes on, and I am embarrassed when he does? Its almost to a point of prudishness..."Don't look at me I'm NAKED!!!" I mean I realize hes not the blood father to our daughter but we are married. 

And this word... husband... what is that? Some romantic idea of one male in your life as a lover, battle buddy, and supporter of you and your dreams and life? Or is it just another one of those words that have hung out in the dictionary for way too long? People wonder why I hate romance movies, novels, and ideas well because its kinda like being a four year old finding out that Santa Claus does not exist. Prince Charming is a fake, and the whole fairy tale ideas that we women had as small children of a great husband, four kids and a big house with a white picked fence was all a fabricated disillusion of our silly hearts desires to want what is damned near impossible to achieve, unless you are born with a silver spoon in your mouth, which even then it is questionable if the rich marriages are better then the blue collar, white collar or no collar marriages. 

I'm by no means trying to compare my parents marriage to mine, its the only example I have to go off of to even try to understand what a marriage SHOULD be. I want the 23 years, I want the flirting from my own husband, for gods sake I AM A WOMAN I want the stupid desires of my disillusioned heart about Prince Charming. 

It is with a heavy heart that I admit I do not think that my husband and I are on the same page, let alone in the same book. I will always fight for what I want, but my mind, and my heart are starting to ask how much am I going to put them through to insure the happiness of someone who probably doesn't even concern himself with his wife's happiness? 

I know I'm young-ish, I know for damn sure I am naive in many things. But this I know, this thing I have named marriage, is misery marching around with someone else's last name. I'm disgusted with this knowledge. I do not like feeling this way. But unhappy is unhappy is unhappy. 

I'm asking all my married friends and family for advise this time. What can I do to change this. I want this man to be my husband beyond the day I die. I want this man to be my husband, my battle buddy, my friend and my support. What I do not want is the sadness, frustration, and guilt I carry around in my heart. I want the bliss, and rewards of fighting TOGETHER for the SAME goal. I just don't see actions matching spoken word. 

Hating myself today, 

LA

January 5th 2015

Well, it's been a few days, but it's been a busy few days. Laying in my hotel room in Spokane, and just had a few thoughts.

If I started an advice blog, just things I've learned and been advised of as a wife, mother and home maker; who would be interested? Obviously,  my advice would contain personal experience,  as well as the advise I've been given, or found. But I'm thinking of a few younger mothers I know, who are doing good, but don't know some easier ways. I'm thinking of younger couples, or even older couples who are going through what I have; and I'd like to compose it so that maybe finding different avenues to a problem could be found.

I know I have way to much time on my hands, and I'm looking for ways to spend it wisely. Some would say I'm taking thier ideas, but maybe they should think better of themselves. They've inspired me. I have different advise, then your sister, or mother. I may of been given the same advise, used it and had trouble or success. It's the personal experience that I can fall back on. You just inspired me to use my creativity, time and potential.  Don't hate me, be proud of yourself.

I guess that's all for now. My next VA appointment is quickly coming and I'm behind on sleep. Sleep well my lovies!

L.A

A bored house wife.

So I know a few different stay at home mammas and wives, and they all have something in common. They all have a hobby, children, an at home job, something to do to occupy their time. I do have a two year old, but she currently lives with grandma. I also have an 15 month old Olde English Bull Dogge, who is my service dog, and my companion while hubby is at work. BUT! Problem is I AM BORED. I don't normally admit to this because as a child my mamma would always have amazing chores for us to do if we got bored. But I can only clean my house so many times, I tried to learn how to knit, and though I love it, my hands do not. So I've been putting though into this, and here is what I came up with. I am going to become a real life pin up.

I know, I know its obscure. But guess what! Its not like I have much else to do. So I've done some research and a beautiful woman who goes by the name of Lyla Blush on Facebook, has inspired me to become a live pin up. I've always felt I was meant for a different era, the 1920's through the1950's. The prohibition, flapper dresses, speak easies, and the jazz, the blues, and the classic cars have always held my attention. But with tattoos and body piercings I obviously wouldn't make up for a classic style pin up, but there are so many "new age" pin up ladies. I want to start a new breed of pin up ladies. This is where you lovies come in. I already have another wonderful lady that Lyla Blush recommended me to for making my dresses, and she goes by the name of Razzy Tazzy Pin Up Fashion. There are a few different styles of dresses I have ordered. But I don't want to be the average new age pin up girl. Yes my hair is shades of purple and black, its kinda my signature. I don't have the body to be playboy bunny material, and again I do have noticeable piercings and tattoos.

So I'm needing ideas, lovies. What kind of pin ups would you like to see that are not on every other magazine cover? I've thought of maybe going in the direction of my religion and do pagan pin up girl. But would that disrespect the goddesses? I thought it'd be fun to maybe do a pin up mamma... then my daughter could be a part of this, which I think would just be so much fun. But of course that opens the doors for pageants and talent shows and her wearing make up before 16... a whole slew of problems I don't know how or even if I want to deal with them. So I have come to a stand still. Any ideas would be fabulous! I have a photographer in mind once my dresses and things come in. She doesn't know yet so keep this between you and me. But I'm hoping between Razzy Tazzy and Sierra Lind I might be able to get a few photos into some magazines, or web sites. I love being a model for Sierra Lind, and my genius sister said make money. So... Ideas lovies! I NEED YOUR IDEAS!!! What kind of pin ups would you like to see, or have come back?

Thanks so very much for all your love and support.

L.A.

December 22nd, 2014

December 22, 2014

Its hard to believe that just a year ago I woke up a married woman. Its strange to look back at all the crap this year, and say I stayed and fought because of love. Its true though. If I did not love this man as much as I do, I would of left, within the first month of our marriage. My mom got that phone call. She asked "If your not happy; then why did you marry him?" All I could say was because I was happy. She asked what had changed, his attitude, his temper, his whole demeanor had flipped. It was from that day forward I could see the mudslide of my life go up in flames. One bad thing after another seemed to plague my house, then my family, then my marriage. And the day I swore it was over and that the problems would go away if I wasn't there to make them. I heard a voice tell me not to give up. I've never given up; specifically in a fight. So I picked my self up, dusted my self off; and pushed back. I pushed beyond any limit I had reached before. I pushed beyond my anger, my hate, my rage. I pushed passed my loneliness, my heart ache and my physical pain. My mental stability, and my physical well being were not longer of concern. All I wanted was my family back, under one roof.

Soon after my husband did come home. Better, and healthier then he was. He started working again, making better judgement calls and decisions. And since that day, he has not stopped working. He has not stopped taking the medicine required to help him fight his sickness. He continues to fight the good fight.

As for my self, though I am so worn out, and worn down; I still fight. I fight the depression, and self hate I have. I am still pushing but running out of steam. But every missed hug, missed kiss, and unheard laugh continues to drive me. I WILL have my family under one roof again. I will use every ounce of my being to make it happen. Why? Because, I'm not a quitter; even if the odds are against me, I don't know how to quit. Its not over until its ok, if its not ok; then it isn't over.

Moral of the story is, no matter what obsticle you face, there is always something greater inside yourself to get you over, under, around, or through whatever it is. You just have to be brave enough to find it.

December 17th, 2014

December 17, 2014

Well OK. I didn't keep my promise in August, that I would write more often. Life this year has been very crazy, hectic, and psychotic. Not really much I wanna meditate on, but many good things I do want to share. Though its been a rough first year of marriage, Devon and I will make the one year mark next Sunday.

The first two weeks of this year I was in a deep depression, as well as postpartum blues had finally gotten a tight grip on me, and all I could think about was running. I don't know where I was, or what I was doing. I just knew I had to run. I fought that urge and decided a divorce would be better. Well, that didn't happen either. So I took a trip, and a vacation to our local mental ward where I was diagnosed with sever borderline personality disorder. I was given medicine and released back out into the world. With a new diagnosis and no idea how to control it. So things just got worse.

My husband, fighting depression, pain and me; lost his battle on May 9th, and overdosed on heroin in the parking lot of the grocery store. Thank goddess some young men from French Town found him during a quick trip for some snacks between track meets. They managed to pull him out of the Jeep, and resuscitate him. He spent the night in ICU and 20 days in the mental ward, and ca,e out knowing he was done with the drugs. He has since then been sober and clean, and is steadily making it back to the man he once was.

My daughter Nani had to go to Tutu's house during all of this. I wanted her out of harms way, safe, and with family. I regret choosing this becasue she is so far away, and visiting isn't exactly easy. But there are good parts to that as well. She gets to know her Tutu and Papi, and Great Tutu came for a visit. Aunty Dianna, and Aunty Kara, and Aunty Mo are all getting to teacher very cool things. Ravyn has a play mate and Uncle Byrd has another miniature person to spoil. Nani has a boyfriend, little Austin, and goes to Tutu and me days. She has lots of animals to play with, and has learned how to use the big girl potty, drink out of big girl glasses, and her vocabulary is getting enormous! So as always there are good and bad, and always ugly. But its what you make of it that is the difference between, bad and ugly. I miss her so much, I'm now going insane without her. But if I keep on track, and stay out of trouble, Daddy and I will be with her soon. With any luck before the snow melts.

I've tried to keep up with my school work, but after Nani left, there isn't any fun, rhyme or reason, to do it. Yea yea, I learn but I don't take it to heart, I don't read the books... no one to read it to now except for the dog. I haven't lost the want to get my degree, I've just lost since of why. Its hard to explain but if I'm not being a better me, why try. The only reason I had to be a better me was Nani. With her gone, what do I have left, but to get her back. I want school in my heart, but my mind is not ready to grab a hold of that 50 pound weight and run, when it barely even turns on most days.

I'm still not ok, but I am better then what I was. Like I said, a rough year, but with some unknown power source on my side, whether it was AA, NA, counselling, crying, knowing what I want, the goddess, the fates, whatever. I have made it almost 365 days, since the beginning of this nightmare. But as I look closer, it has been just one more year of lessons learned. Yes, the hard way, because well... I wouldn't have it any other way.  Next time, I will try harder, be stronger, and not be afraid to call a time out. I will push until I break, but I won't push alone. And instead of allowing myself to be absent minded, I think I will blog it more often.

So this year, I want you to take your good, your bad and your ugly; I want you to learn from it, and grow from it. DO NOT regret it, for it is something you must learn. If you must regret anything, regret not of having learned sooner.

Love,
L.A.

August 18th, 2014

What is it about recovering addicts that's makes their family members so un-willing to trust them again? Well let's see if I can't answer that for you. It's is a job to love some body unconditionally,  we the family members take it upon ourselves,  whether through blood or marriage to choose to love you unconditionally.  But do not think for one moment that means you can just take our love and break it. Don't believe that you can take the trust you are given break it and then ask for more. See being a family member is a two way street.  In order to continue receiving our unconditional love, and our trust; you must continue to not take it for granted. And that is why it is hard for us family members to be willing to trust addicted family members again. We did once, we will again. But first you must earn this trust. Otherwise what is the point of being family. While your busy using drugs and your family, we are trying to save you. Some of us win, but most of loose. In my case I lost. You may still be alive, but you have let your flame die. And what hurts the most is the thought that I once was the spark that had relighted your flame. So no. I do not trust you. I'm hurt, I am angry, I have no reason to trust you. Until you change that, that's how it will be.

August 3, 2014

August 3rd, 2013

Well time sure does go by fast. Today two years ago I meet my husband today. There has been some adventures but good amd bad on the way. But were still fighting every day to push each other to grow, learn, and suceed in all we do.

Tomorrow our little girl turns two. I am sad, yet I am happy. I am sad because I won't be with her to celebrate her birthday. But I am happy because her papi and tutu tell me she's a good, smart, amazing little girl.  My husband told me every day how aweaome I was doing, but I doubted my self. My theory is though if many people tell you its a duck, then it must not be a platypus.  So its very wonderful to hear my parents tell me, that we did a great job. I'm proud of my little girl.

If all works as planned I at least will be with her for Christmas. Of course in this situation sooner is better, and both husband and I are best. But I've learned in life to take what your given and make the best of it. So please feel free to send positive energy, prayers, and blessings our way. Theres only $2, 000.00 and two people standing between my daughter and I. I will not let her go much longer without me.

Love and light my friends,

LA