December 22, 2013

December 22, 2013

 So when some one tells you that you are family what does this truly mean? 

Does it mean that when you are sad and need a hug they will be there? Or when you blow a tire and have no money to replace it, they buy you the tire and ask for nothing in return? When you become homeless, they tell you to come stay with them until your up on your feet? You have no idea how to raise children, but should something happen you volunteer, selflessly, to raise their children.

Or that when Holidays come around they make sure that you spend it with them and their family? They plan a surprise birthday party for you, they come to the birth of your daughter so you wont be alone, they call you child and you call them mom. It doesn't matter if your blood or not, family is family. I was taught that by a very wonderful woman, who only through the grape vine I found out was in the hospital in ICU on life support. I am hurt, and I am sad. Even worse, I thought I was family.

I realize over the last year we have grown apart. But that is due to me having a daughter and a boyfriend. I can only divide up my time so well. But when I needed her, she was there. When she needed me, I was there. This last month has been the worst. She became depressed and had pushed most of us away. I knew something was wrong and tried to call and visit with her, but she always had more important things to do. But I always made sure to tell her I loved her, I always made sure to tell her if she needed me I was not further away than her phone. It was her choice to push me away. But it was my choice to try and hold her close. 

Now to see her on life support that I know she would not want breaks my heart. She was afraid to be left on life support. She always said if something should happen to just let her go. I told her I could not be greedy any more and ask her to hold on when she was ready to go. I am sad I am loosing a wonderful friend, who has helped me to learn and grow in areas no one ever thought I'd be able to. But I am relieved to know she cannot feel pain any more. I am relieved to know she will be with her father and my dog Candie. But for ever negative thing that happens in this world a positive comes too. So even though I am loosing a friend, I am curious to know what I will be gaining. 

To her children she leaves behind, Jasmine I know she loved you. She did not leave you with your grandma and grandpa because she hated you. She did so in order for you to have a better life than what she could provide for you. If sacrificing her happiness in order to insure yours is hate, then every parent who does so is wrong. 

Keighley, you are in deed a difficult child. You fight when you should respect and obey, you choose to be mad and angry because its not fair. Well my dear sister let me let you in an a little clue I learned the hard way. Life is not meant to be fair, life is a game and only the strong survive. Stop being so whinny, and throwing pity parties and stand up and be the young lady your mother taught you to be. 

Joseph, I know you love you mom with your whole heart. I am sorry for the hand you have been dealt. Its not any hand a little boy should ever be handed. But make it the best you can. Be strong like mom taught you. Be polite and use your words, not your emotions. Control your emotions and find good ways to let them out. You know in your heart what you need to do, just be a big boy and do it. 

This will hurt for a long time, possibly for the rest of your lives. But just like mom has told each and ever one of us, we will hear what shes being saying once she is gone. And now we must all stand up, proud and with love and strength she gave us and be the people she taught us to be. She has had a wonderful life, its had its downs and it ups. Remember the good times, the laughter, the smiles, and the hugs and kisses. Remember her for the woman she was, and never forget who she has made us.