December 22nd, 2014

December 22, 2014

Its hard to believe that just a year ago I woke up a married woman. Its strange to look back at all the crap this year, and say I stayed and fought because of love. Its true though. If I did not love this man as much as I do, I would of left, within the first month of our marriage. My mom got that phone call. She asked "If your not happy; then why did you marry him?" All I could say was because I was happy. She asked what had changed, his attitude, his temper, his whole demeanor had flipped. It was from that day forward I could see the mudslide of my life go up in flames. One bad thing after another seemed to plague my house, then my family, then my marriage. And the day I swore it was over and that the problems would go away if I wasn't there to make them. I heard a voice tell me not to give up. I've never given up; specifically in a fight. So I picked my self up, dusted my self off; and pushed back. I pushed beyond any limit I had reached before. I pushed beyond my anger, my hate, my rage. I pushed passed my loneliness, my heart ache and my physical pain. My mental stability, and my physical well being were not longer of concern. All I wanted was my family back, under one roof.

Soon after my husband did come home. Better, and healthier then he was. He started working again, making better judgement calls and decisions. And since that day, he has not stopped working. He has not stopped taking the medicine required to help him fight his sickness. He continues to fight the good fight.

As for my self, though I am so worn out, and worn down; I still fight. I fight the depression, and self hate I have. I am still pushing but running out of steam. But every missed hug, missed kiss, and unheard laugh continues to drive me. I WILL have my family under one roof again. I will use every ounce of my being to make it happen. Why? Because, I'm not a quitter; even if the odds are against me, I don't know how to quit. Its not over until its ok, if its not ok; then it isn't over.

Moral of the story is, no matter what obsticle you face, there is always something greater inside yourself to get you over, under, around, or through whatever it is. You just have to be brave enough to find it.