January 26th 2015

Marriage...

 What is marriage? Is it an agreement between two people to be faithful to one another, and to fight all battles side by side? Is it just a word that really has no meaning of any thing any more? Is it a Promise between you, yours and your god(s/esses) that you are trusting in them that your soul mate has been found? What is marriage?

 I'm asking because it the 23 years of my parents marriage it has been the fighting beside each other to over come all trials they faced, and still face. It has been surviving the long distances between them while my dad drove truck, and worked away from home. It has been trusting each other not to cause that deep rooted pain of being unfaithful, or leaving and never coming back.
Yet, in my own one year and a month and five days of marriage it has been trials, tribulations, battles and fights fought WITH each other. Never side by side or in agreement over anything. It has been worse heartbreak then I could of ever pretended to know. It has been repeated trial and tribulations from day one of this marriage. Yet He says his VOWS mean the world to him. This is my first marriage and I pray my only. But how much weight does each person pull in a marriage? is it 50% 50% or 100% all to one person? I had the silly inclination that it was SUPPOSED to be 100% self and 100% spouse. But believe you me that is NOT how this particular marriage is. It may be in his mind, but in mine, its closer to 25% self, because I honestly can push any more out of myself. I just don't care any more. And he is maybe ... well... I'm not sure. Yea, he goes to work, but WHY? to make money for the FAMILY? Not really; to get away from the house and do something that makes him feel better about himself? Most likely. How sad is that?

Honestly. HOW FRIGGEN SAD.

How sad is it that its completely possible for me to look into my future, not see him there; and not have any negative or positive emotion about it? How sad is it that when another man tells me I'm beautiful I blush? Part because I'm being complemented by someone other than my own husband, and part because some body noticed who isn't my own husband. Is it sad that not even in my thirties yet, my husband doesn't hardly ever see me with out clothes on, and I am embarrassed when he does? Its almost to a point of prudishness..."Don't look at me I'm NAKED!!!" I mean I realize hes not the blood father to our daughter but we are married. 

And this word... husband... what is that? Some romantic idea of one male in your life as a lover, battle buddy, and supporter of you and your dreams and life? Or is it just another one of those words that have hung out in the dictionary for way too long? People wonder why I hate romance movies, novels, and ideas well because its kinda like being a four year old finding out that Santa Claus does not exist. Prince Charming is a fake, and the whole fairy tale ideas that we women had as small children of a great husband, four kids and a big house with a white picked fence was all a fabricated disillusion of our silly hearts desires to want what is damned near impossible to achieve, unless you are born with a silver spoon in your mouth, which even then it is questionable if the rich marriages are better then the blue collar, white collar or no collar marriages. 

I'm by no means trying to compare my parents marriage to mine, its the only example I have to go off of to even try to understand what a marriage SHOULD be. I want the 23 years, I want the flirting from my own husband, for gods sake I AM A WOMAN I want the stupid desires of my disillusioned heart about Prince Charming. 

It is with a heavy heart that I admit I do not think that my husband and I are on the same page, let alone in the same book. I will always fight for what I want, but my mind, and my heart are starting to ask how much am I going to put them through to insure the happiness of someone who probably doesn't even concern himself with his wife's happiness? 

I know I'm young-ish, I know for damn sure I am naive in many things. But this I know, this thing I have named marriage, is misery marching around with someone else's last name. I'm disgusted with this knowledge. I do not like feeling this way. But unhappy is unhappy is unhappy. 

I'm asking all my married friends and family for advise this time. What can I do to change this. I want this man to be my husband beyond the day I die. I want this man to be my husband, my battle buddy, my friend and my support. What I do not want is the sadness, frustration, and guilt I carry around in my heart. I want the bliss, and rewards of fighting TOGETHER for the SAME goal. I just don't see actions matching spoken word. 

Hating myself today, 

LA