January 16, 2014
Oh my friends what a time it has been. Its been fights and arguments and some smiles and happy moments. I don't know what is wrong with me, but I can push any bodies buttons faster then two shakes of a bunnies tail. I think I am on the verge of a huge anxiety attack. But that is why I am here with you all now, instead of doing what my anxieties are telling me to. I'm fighting it, constantly fighting it though is really starting to wear me out.
I have so much to do and so little time to do it all that it just cannot be done in time. As I am sitting here writing this my wonderful husband is scrubbing down the house. It makes me feel horrible that the house is in such disarray that he feels he has to clean it; just because I cannot keep up. But we had a talk about him wanting to help more, so even though I feel bad that he is doing it even on his own free will mind you, I'm not going to make him stop. On top of the fifthly shame of a house, I have a laundry pile to the ceiling, insurance needing to be purchased, taxes coming up, a yard full of doggy poo that needs cleaned up, a chimney to get swept, a down stairs that needs cleaned, carpets that need vacuumed and shampooed, stuff all over the house to be put away, thrown away or given away, school work due tonight that is still not done, a play pen and a crib to wipe down, sanitize, and re- make after spending two days with a sick baby, with bed time past by about three hours.
Why am I so far behind??? Well after going to bed this morning at 6am and waking up at 11am to get ready for husbands court date, coming home around 2:30pm to turn around and take sick and hurt baby and hurt hubby to the emergency room, and finally getting home at 9:45pm, I am just too exhausted to do anything but sit here and talk it out with you why I am so angry, bitchy, and snippety.
It's not by choice mind you, so something has to be going on with me or my immediate surroundings causing this over flow of negativity. There has been nightmares, night terrors, and even a few sleepless nights since my last blog. There is something with in myself or my surroundings causing this flow of negativity, and I HAVE to find it soon before it destroys my life as I know it. So I'm GOING to list TEN positive things in my life and my surroundings and then I'm off to find out when the waning moon rolls around so I can cleanse my life of all this negative energy.
I have been trying to meditate as I fall asleep so that I can wake up in a better mood, some days it works others not some much. I have eliminated people and things out of my life that brought about negativity, I and I have even gone so far as to start this blog to try to have a spot where I can let everything out. Yet, here I am no better for the wear.
So here it goes... TEN POSITIVE THINGS
...wish me luck.
1.) I have a wonderful husband who loves me and his non- blood daughter with everything he has.
2.) I have a beautiful, smart, and loving daughter, who wants nothing more then to be happy.
3.) I have a warm home in which to eat, sleep, stay clean, and healthy in.
4.) I have my physical needs met.
5.) I am working harder than ever to resolve my mental and emotional needs.
6.) I am smart, funny, fairly well educated, and I CAN BE LOVING.
7.) I am facing the consequences to my actions with a more mature out look.
8.) I want to be in a life - long relationship with my family, I do not want to quit or give up, just because it is hard.
9.) I am hard headed and stubborn, when I want something, I don't stop until I have it.
10.) The outside and the insides of my life may seem messy at times, but I have to give credit when it is due, I have a better grip on it now, then I did two years ago.
Friday, January 17, 2014
Friday, January 3, 2014
January 3rd, 2014
January 3, 2014
Ok, I need to know. Who else wakes up from a bad dream, with that fight or flight felling, but you can't remember your dream so you don't calm down as quick?
Yep, that's exactly why its 0312 and I'm wide awake. Yet, I know I should be dead asleep. On New Years I was upnuntil about 4 am, safe at home but was wide awake. Yesterday 201412 I got maybe 15 minutes of sleep as injust couldn't sleep, then there is today. Went to bed around 1930 with sleeping medicine, and at 0222 woke up scared as shit. As a stay at home mom and wife most would think it'd be ok, but what isn't know to non- parents is you only get to sleep when they sleep. And with a 16 month old already having the terrible two symptoms, sleep is only after 10 pm and before 5 am. Not a lot of time to catch up on lost sleep. Oddly enough I now need sleep. Before I became pregnant, sleep was not reqired, now and since pregnancy sleep is demanded not just by my body but by my head. Sometimes one or the other disagrees, but most of the time it is I kicking and screaming when I am put to bed. Funny how things change like that. I don't always think its funny, actually 99% of the time I am angryb that I am not like I used to be in many ways. Back 3 years ago, I didn't require food, sleep, much medication, or comfort, or arguing, or ... anything really. Now food, sleep, comfort, medication, assurance, and so much more are daily requirements some times more than once. Its ridiculous to me, when I don't understand what changed so dramatically. And when I don't understand, I do become frustrated and irritable.
Not much of a long day ahead of me. Take hubby to work, fix jeep, Im positive I know what is wrong, do a few loads of laundry, make appointment at 1300 to try to help my friends family with some issues with the two kids, pick up hubby at 1630 and make dinner, and put laundry away. So not a horribly busy day, yet with out the required amount of sleep by 1300 I know ill be dragging @$$. But don't cry for me, hubby hasn't been to sleep since the night of december 29th. So he hasn't slept all year. Is it possible that I could be gaining back my insomnia? As long as the mental stability comes back with it I honestly won't complain. Every mother and housewife can use a few extra hours, right ladies?! OH!!! And to the Mr. Moms out there kudos to you!!!
Well since were both up, I think ill take the opertunity to cuddle and spend time with hubby.
Peace, love and blessings,
Leilani A.
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
January 1st, 2014
January 1, 2014
Well its official. Its not even 7pm on the first day of the new year and I have started it off with a great arguement.
I went up to the hospital to visit my dear friend after recieving news of her improvement, and I took Nani with me as she has always helped Momma Lisa to feel beter. We did get to say hello and see that beautiful smile of hers. I think she tried to say, " Hi, Nani!", but havinga tube Iin her mouth made it hard to tell. But her smile said it all. So of couree once out of the elevator I call hubby and tell him the good news. I had to have Nani walk as she has become too heavy for me to carry with a hurting back and neak. Nani being a curious child she has to stop every three steps to figure out what kind of stuff is on the ground. So I'm on the phone and trying to get her to just walk and of course no is the answer I get. I'm also trying to help hubby over the phone save his FAVORITE WHITE shirt. Of course by now I'm agrivated because I hurt, Nani's unwillingness to comply, and I use the wrong words wrong tone and now I have up set hubby. F'ING perfect.
I drop my phone while trying to buckle Nani in her car seat and wondering why i cant ever not sound like im upset about anything; I managed to upset hubby even more. He calls back but I'm struggling trying to buckle Nani in, and I miss his call... great. I get her safely buckled in I grab my phone and call hubby back. And apperantly that is how you start an arguement. so the whole five minute drive home were discussing how to fix his shirt. I need it in hot water NOW. I always manage to use the wrong tone, wrong words wrong wrong wrong... always F'ING WRONG!
So I get in side we're discussing and i mention I finally understand how he says I get worse with out my meds and apparently I argued last night, and now again tonight. He decieds to say his first marriage was practice to find what he wanted in a wife, some one who argueesall the time. So feeling like comolete shit I retire to our room. After some more discussing, I managed to make him feel like shit on total accident. All I said was I'm sensitive to the things he jokes about. And then I appologize for being to sensitive.
Im so tired of being wrong, wrong words wrong tone wrong everything. I'm begining to wish I had never survived some horrific stuff. I know I know its a sign of deep depression blah blah blah... BULLSH! T!!! Is a sign of being to tired to keep fighting fate.
L.A.
Well its official. Its not even 7pm on the first day of the new year and I have started it off with a great arguement.
I went up to the hospital to visit my dear friend after recieving news of her improvement, and I took Nani with me as she has always helped Momma Lisa to feel beter. We did get to say hello and see that beautiful smile of hers. I think she tried to say, " Hi, Nani!", but havinga tube Iin her mouth made it hard to tell. But her smile said it all. So of couree once out of the elevator I call hubby and tell him the good news. I had to have Nani walk as she has become too heavy for me to carry with a hurting back and neak. Nani being a curious child she has to stop every three steps to figure out what kind of stuff is on the ground. So I'm on the phone and trying to get her to just walk and of course no is the answer I get. I'm also trying to help hubby over the phone save his FAVORITE WHITE shirt. Of course by now I'm agrivated because I hurt, Nani's unwillingness to comply, and I use the wrong words wrong tone and now I have up set hubby. F'ING perfect.
I drop my phone while trying to buckle Nani in her car seat and wondering why i cant ever not sound like im upset about anything; I managed to upset hubby even more. He calls back but I'm struggling trying to buckle Nani in, and I miss his call... great. I get her safely buckled in I grab my phone and call hubby back. And apperantly that is how you start an arguement. so the whole five minute drive home were discussing how to fix his shirt. I need it in hot water NOW. I always manage to use the wrong tone, wrong words wrong wrong wrong... always F'ING WRONG!
So I get in side we're discussing and i mention I finally understand how he says I get worse with out my meds and apparently I argued last night, and now again tonight. He decieds to say his first marriage was practice to find what he wanted in a wife, some one who argueesall the time. So feeling like comolete shit I retire to our room. After some more discussing, I managed to make him feel like shit on total accident. All I said was I'm sensitive to the things he jokes about. And then I appologize for being to sensitive.
Im so tired of being wrong, wrong words wrong tone wrong everything. I'm begining to wish I had never survived some horrific stuff. I know I know its a sign of deep depression blah blah blah... BULLSH! T!!! Is a sign of being to tired to keep fighting fate.
L.A.
Sunday, December 29, 2013
December 29th, 2013
December 29, 2013
Not too much today. Though there were some issues yesterday I tried to let go of but they have left a sting on my heart.
Yesterday though hubby let me sleep in, he still managed to hurt me, by total accident mind you. He had to go lock up the job site, he tells me this kisses Nani and I then just leaves. Yet I heard his phone going off all morning. He was talking on it quietly when I came out of our room. He told me he'd only be gone an hour. Almost three hours later, he finally comes home.
I'm not saying he is doing anything wrong, but I am saying something's not right. And it irritated me that one I was upset and two that he didn't ask even if I wanted to go. I have my phone turned down on weekends so as not to disturb our family time. For a while now I have felt that there is something more important out there then our family time. And that hurts me, knowing I'm insecure because of past relationships hurt me. I am my own worst enemy.
I have decided it would be best to talk to hubby about this another day. Not that he is inconsiderant of Nani and I, but sometimes I think he forgets I don't get to leave the house often. I don't get much alone time with him. Even if it was only an hour that we'd be out. I'd take that hour with him and cherish it forever. Not that I don't charrish my days with Nani but were talking 23/7/365. I love her to death, I would never want to be without her. But an hour to myself or an hour alone with hubby doesn't seem like I'm asking for to much. I know I'm a mom, I've given up going to the bathroom alone, and long bubble baths, sick days, sleep and even hot meals to myself. But one hour with hubby I didn't think was impossible.
He slept all day right up to our wedding ceremony Saturday. He sleeps when ever he can. I wake up at 4:30 am most mornings with Nani. I stay up late to finish my days work. I cook I clean I do school work and child care. I just wanted one hour.
Was I asking too much?
Then the dear sweet roommate stole money from us, when it was given to him to pay the electric bill. So as the cookies crumble we now are on per paid electric. I myself have come up with $260 this month alone compaired to his $20 to keep our lights on. So today with less than $8 left he wants to do laundry. Let's think about this.... $!%@ NO. Then he wants to bitch about having to wear dirty clothes. B$*@! If you wouldn't of stolen from me we ALL could do laundry and turn on the lights. Go ahead say one more word I dare you. Because once you do you can get out. I might let you take your shit with you.
* SIGH * Its always at the end of the month when people wanna bitch at me because I'm doing everything I can while they do nothing. I'm so sick of it. I spend the most money on this damned house and you can't give me any respect? Who the #@$! do you think you are?!?!
But instead of taking my frustration out on hubby I took it out on roommate. Just as I should. So though my mood may not be changing, at least I can direct my frustration at the proper poor soul whom deserves my attitude. Oh, and just as a note yes I took MY laundry detergent to MY room. I bought it I'll do what I want with it. Not my #$!king problem you don't have any. Either pitch in for a big bottle or get your own.
It is truly amazing how much better I feel after these blog entries. I can vent and at the same time not cause a disruption in my home. And then there are you readers. Again if you have ideas or advice please let me know. I am very open to learning and growing. Just please be respectful with your advice and comments.
Much love,
Leilani A.
Not too much today. Though there were some issues yesterday I tried to let go of but they have left a sting on my heart.
Yesterday though hubby let me sleep in, he still managed to hurt me, by total accident mind you. He had to go lock up the job site, he tells me this kisses Nani and I then just leaves. Yet I heard his phone going off all morning. He was talking on it quietly when I came out of our room. He told me he'd only be gone an hour. Almost three hours later, he finally comes home.
I'm not saying he is doing anything wrong, but I am saying something's not right. And it irritated me that one I was upset and two that he didn't ask even if I wanted to go. I have my phone turned down on weekends so as not to disturb our family time. For a while now I have felt that there is something more important out there then our family time. And that hurts me, knowing I'm insecure because of past relationships hurt me. I am my own worst enemy.
I have decided it would be best to talk to hubby about this another day. Not that he is inconsiderant of Nani and I, but sometimes I think he forgets I don't get to leave the house often. I don't get much alone time with him. Even if it was only an hour that we'd be out. I'd take that hour with him and cherish it forever. Not that I don't charrish my days with Nani but were talking 23/7/365. I love her to death, I would never want to be without her. But an hour to myself or an hour alone with hubby doesn't seem like I'm asking for to much. I know I'm a mom, I've given up going to the bathroom alone, and long bubble baths, sick days, sleep and even hot meals to myself. But one hour with hubby I didn't think was impossible.
He slept all day right up to our wedding ceremony Saturday. He sleeps when ever he can. I wake up at 4:30 am most mornings with Nani. I stay up late to finish my days work. I cook I clean I do school work and child care. I just wanted one hour.
Was I asking too much?
Then the dear sweet roommate stole money from us, when it was given to him to pay the electric bill. So as the cookies crumble we now are on per paid electric. I myself have come up with $260 this month alone compaired to his $20 to keep our lights on. So today with less than $8 left he wants to do laundry. Let's think about this.... $!%@ NO. Then he wants to bitch about having to wear dirty clothes. B$*@! If you wouldn't of stolen from me we ALL could do laundry and turn on the lights. Go ahead say one more word I dare you. Because once you do you can get out. I might let you take your shit with you.
* SIGH * Its always at the end of the month when people wanna bitch at me because I'm doing everything I can while they do nothing. I'm so sick of it. I spend the most money on this damned house and you can't give me any respect? Who the #@$! do you think you are?!?!
But instead of taking my frustration out on hubby I took it out on roommate. Just as I should. So though my mood may not be changing, at least I can direct my frustration at the proper poor soul whom deserves my attitude. Oh, and just as a note yes I took MY laundry detergent to MY room. I bought it I'll do what I want with it. Not my #$!king problem you don't have any. Either pitch in for a big bottle or get your own.
It is truly amazing how much better I feel after these blog entries. I can vent and at the same time not cause a disruption in my home. And then there are you readers. Again if you have ideas or advice please let me know. I am very open to learning and growing. Just please be respectful with your advice and comments.
Much love,
Leilani A.
Friday, December 27, 2013
December 27th, 2013
December 27, 2013
What a day it has been. Woke up to no cigarettes...
But that situation was resolved after some thinking. While I was out getting them I ran into a little boy who has been my brother for Nine years. Joey is my best friend Lisa's little boy. Joey hasn't had an easy life. A few years back there was somethings happened to him that no one let alone a little by should have to go through. Since then he has been through two in patient treatment facilities and one out patient facility. He has not been to a regular school since kindergarten, he doesn't have any friend except his other sister, and she is very cruel to him. She too has had some issues, and just recently has returned home from a girls in patient treatment facility. She makes me so angry. She thinks that because her little brother has been gone for almost three years that she has the right to whine when he gets attention. He came home and as most families would, we tried to make up lost time with him. Take him to the park, let him stay awake later at night with us, and yet at the same time try to keep interacting as a family that has been together all along. So his sister Keighley decides its OK to start treating him horribly, simply because mom and I have to share our attention with him, and not just her. And by horribly I mean like trash, scum of the earth, he did nothing to deserve her hatred for him, yet he gets it. I don't have much room to talk as when I lived at home with my family I treated my little brother the same way. My parents told me I was creating a monster, and that I was pushing him away. At the time I didn't care, but it was true. My little brother had not spoken to me for 8 years, and even now its barely a full conversation. But at least we are talking again. I just wish much like my parents did, that Keighley would listen to the words I am saying. Not the lectures she is getting, but the words. I know if I had heard what my parents were truly saying, I wouldn't of been so mean.
So anyways, I saw my JuJu Bug today and found out that until things get settled with the kids and where they are going he is staying in a group home here in town. But his counselor was with him and he told her I am his sister, so she made sure I got added to his contact list. So tonight he called me, and we got to talk for a little while. I told him about marrying Devon, and just let him know I would always be here for him and his sister. They are my family, family never leaves anyone behind. Right? So with that being said, Devon and I have discussed it and if the Fates allow us, we would do our best to raise Keighley and Joey to the best of our abilities. Devon has always wanted a son, and maybe with closer guidance Keighley would grow into a loving big sister and a role model for her brother.
But again, I find myself reflecting on my day; and realizing that the more I write these blogs, these thoughts that run through my head quite down and I can sleep better. I am not as angry as I have been, and I feel calmer too. So I just wanted to thank which ever deity gave me the idea to start writing a journal. It doesn't have to be an every day thing, but just when I feel I need to let some thoughts out of my head before I lay it down to go to sleep.
And to those of you whom read these, please; leave a comment or your own thoughts. Help me grow and learn and see things in a different light.
Love, peace and joy to you all.
Leilani A.
What a day it has been. Woke up to no cigarettes...
But that situation was resolved after some thinking. While I was out getting them I ran into a little boy who has been my brother for Nine years. Joey is my best friend Lisa's little boy. Joey hasn't had an easy life. A few years back there was somethings happened to him that no one let alone a little by should have to go through. Since then he has been through two in patient treatment facilities and one out patient facility. He has not been to a regular school since kindergarten, he doesn't have any friend except his other sister, and she is very cruel to him. She too has had some issues, and just recently has returned home from a girls in patient treatment facility. She makes me so angry. She thinks that because her little brother has been gone for almost three years that she has the right to whine when he gets attention. He came home and as most families would, we tried to make up lost time with him. Take him to the park, let him stay awake later at night with us, and yet at the same time try to keep interacting as a family that has been together all along. So his sister Keighley decides its OK to start treating him horribly, simply because mom and I have to share our attention with him, and not just her. And by horribly I mean like trash, scum of the earth, he did nothing to deserve her hatred for him, yet he gets it. I don't have much room to talk as when I lived at home with my family I treated my little brother the same way. My parents told me I was creating a monster, and that I was pushing him away. At the time I didn't care, but it was true. My little brother had not spoken to me for 8 years, and even now its barely a full conversation. But at least we are talking again. I just wish much like my parents did, that Keighley would listen to the words I am saying. Not the lectures she is getting, but the words. I know if I had heard what my parents were truly saying, I wouldn't of been so mean.
So anyways, I saw my JuJu Bug today and found out that until things get settled with the kids and where they are going he is staying in a group home here in town. But his counselor was with him and he told her I am his sister, so she made sure I got added to his contact list. So tonight he called me, and we got to talk for a little while. I told him about marrying Devon, and just let him know I would always be here for him and his sister. They are my family, family never leaves anyone behind. Right? So with that being said, Devon and I have discussed it and if the Fates allow us, we would do our best to raise Keighley and Joey to the best of our abilities. Devon has always wanted a son, and maybe with closer guidance Keighley would grow into a loving big sister and a role model for her brother.
But again, I find myself reflecting on my day; and realizing that the more I write these blogs, these thoughts that run through my head quite down and I can sleep better. I am not as angry as I have been, and I feel calmer too. So I just wanted to thank which ever deity gave me the idea to start writing a journal. It doesn't have to be an every day thing, but just when I feel I need to let some thoughts out of my head before I lay it down to go to sleep.
And to those of you whom read these, please; leave a comment or your own thoughts. Help me grow and learn and see things in a different light.
Love, peace and joy to you all.
Leilani A.
Wednesday, December 25, 2013
December 25, 2013
Today was a good day all in all. Woke up to the laughter of our daughter and hubby made coffee. We watched Alohinani (our daughter) open her gifts. She got books and a baby doll, a teddy bear and a xylophone. Devon (hubby) got a fuzzy white hoddie that has black wings on it. Me, well me I got a day with my family. I'm not big on receiving gifts. Hubby is ups at because we didn't have the money or him to buy m a gift. But to m Christmas , Yule, whatever you wanna call it is not about what you get, its about enjoying what you have.
I have a proud moment though I'd like to share. I have a few family members as well as good friends who struggle with drugs and alcohol. I myself know I struggle with alcohol and am in school to receive my bachelor's degree in psychology for addictions counseling. Well I have a friend going whom is going to start the process of a divorce. She decided to do this on the day I got married. She ha struggled with drugs and alcohol since I have known her. But tonight she called me just yo talk. To give he a reason not to stick that needle in her arm and drink her self to oblivion. I am very proud of her right now. I know its no easy seperatin from someone you love. It took me three years to leave an ex of mine even after knowing he was unfaithful. It still strings, mostly because of the lost time I spent with the wrong one and not waiting for the right on. But I also know without those three years I wouldn't be as strong as I am today, nor would I have the beliefs that I do have. So i just wanted to say to her I am proud of you. It won't be easy, but as all of you should know I am never any further than your phone is. I love each and everyone of you and I am here should you ever need me.
I have a proud moment though I'd like to share. I have a few family members as well as good friends who struggle with drugs and alcohol. I myself know I struggle with alcohol and am in school to receive my bachelor's degree in psychology for addictions counseling. Well I have a friend going whom is going to start the process of a divorce. She decided to do this on the day I got married. She ha struggled with drugs and alcohol since I have known her. But tonight she called me just yo talk. To give he a reason not to stick that needle in her arm and drink her self to oblivion. I am very proud of her right now. I know its no easy seperatin from someone you love. It took me three years to leave an ex of mine even after knowing he was unfaithful. It still strings, mostly because of the lost time I spent with the wrong one and not waiting for the right on. But I also know without those three years I wouldn't be as strong as I am today, nor would I have the beliefs that I do have. So i just wanted to say to her I am proud of you. It won't be easy, but as all of you should know I am never any further than your phone is. I love each and everyone of you and I am here should you ever need me.
Tuesday, December 24, 2013
December 24, 2013
Christmas Eve.
So it is the afternoon of Christmas Eve, and though I have never been bothered by missing Christmas activities. Yet now that I am a wife and a mother I feel almost ashamed to admit our house is not having a Christmas this year. I haven't been bothered by it before as being a witch I haven't celebrated it since the days of being a child in my parents home. I have celebrated Yule instead now for the last 12 years. But even this year because of financial stresses I couldn't do a Yule celebration either. I am sad in my heart and my soul. Even though I was just hand-fasted to my soul mate, and married to the love of my life, I am sad inside. It doesn't make any since to me. I know I have shut off many of my emotions over the years so I would be less vulnerable to emotional pain. But now that I have opened my heart again to love and joy and happiness I also have the side effects of the loss of those emotions. Hate, sadness, and depression and all the negative emotions that come with opening your self to emotions in general. This not only confuses me, but angers me. Why should I be upset that I cannot celebrate a Holiday that I don't like? What just because I have a daughter and a husband that gives my heart the right to make me feel bad??? Ummm NO i'm not ok with this. This is ridiculous. I don't like it and even worse I don't know what to do about it. I was able to purchase both my husband and my daughter each a present, but I couldn't buy wrapping paper or bows. Which makes me wanna cry even more... Why is it that the society we live in, puts so much pressure on us that we cry when we do not meet the "Standards" that have been set for us? Who set these standards and how do you get past them? Why is this year so different from last year? Last year we had a Christmas Tree, but its not about a tree. It is about sharing and loving with your family. And maybe that its what it is that is bothering me? Last year the three of us were invited to his family's home for dinner and gifts. Of course last year we were also invited to Thanksgiving, and Christmas, along with random dinner dates and this year we have only been invited to a wedding shower and a fourth of July BBQ. No thanksgiving, no Christmas, no random dinner dates. Is it something I did, or said? Or is it because of something he did or said? Either way I'm not sure what happened that could cause family to leave one member by the way side, even after having the same thing happen to me. My family left me by the way side around 12 years ago to fight and fend for myself. To be homeless and hungry, cold and alone is something no family should ever do to a member of their family, no matter what happened. Family is family, like Lelo and Stitch said, Ohana is family, and family means NO ONE gets left behind, or forgotten. Therefore; it is not OK to not include family in these family holidays. They may be awkward times for whatever reasons, but at least these damned things would be the way that society expects them to be.
Happy, Holly and Jolly and full of DRAMA... whatever...
BAH HUMMBUG!
So it is the afternoon of Christmas Eve, and though I have never been bothered by missing Christmas activities. Yet now that I am a wife and a mother I feel almost ashamed to admit our house is not having a Christmas this year. I haven't been bothered by it before as being a witch I haven't celebrated it since the days of being a child in my parents home. I have celebrated Yule instead now for the last 12 years. But even this year because of financial stresses I couldn't do a Yule celebration either. I am sad in my heart and my soul. Even though I was just hand-fasted to my soul mate, and married to the love of my life, I am sad inside. It doesn't make any since to me. I know I have shut off many of my emotions over the years so I would be less vulnerable to emotional pain. But now that I have opened my heart again to love and joy and happiness I also have the side effects of the loss of those emotions. Hate, sadness, and depression and all the negative emotions that come with opening your self to emotions in general. This not only confuses me, but angers me. Why should I be upset that I cannot celebrate a Holiday that I don't like? What just because I have a daughter and a husband that gives my heart the right to make me feel bad??? Ummm NO i'm not ok with this. This is ridiculous. I don't like it and even worse I don't know what to do about it. I was able to purchase both my husband and my daughter each a present, but I couldn't buy wrapping paper or bows. Which makes me wanna cry even more... Why is it that the society we live in, puts so much pressure on us that we cry when we do not meet the "Standards" that have been set for us? Who set these standards and how do you get past them? Why is this year so different from last year? Last year we had a Christmas Tree, but its not about a tree. It is about sharing and loving with your family. And maybe that its what it is that is bothering me? Last year the three of us were invited to his family's home for dinner and gifts. Of course last year we were also invited to Thanksgiving, and Christmas, along with random dinner dates and this year we have only been invited to a wedding shower and a fourth of July BBQ. No thanksgiving, no Christmas, no random dinner dates. Is it something I did, or said? Or is it because of something he did or said? Either way I'm not sure what happened that could cause family to leave one member by the way side, even after having the same thing happen to me. My family left me by the way side around 12 years ago to fight and fend for myself. To be homeless and hungry, cold and alone is something no family should ever do to a member of their family, no matter what happened. Family is family, like Lelo and Stitch said, Ohana is family, and family means NO ONE gets left behind, or forgotten. Therefore; it is not OK to not include family in these family holidays. They may be awkward times for whatever reasons, but at least these damned things would be the way that society expects them to be.
Happy, Holly and Jolly and full of DRAMA... whatever...
BAH HUMMBUG!
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