December 17th, 2014

December 17, 2014

Well OK. I didn't keep my promise in August, that I would write more often. Life this year has been very crazy, hectic, and psychotic. Not really much I wanna meditate on, but many good things I do want to share. Though its been a rough first year of marriage, Devon and I will make the one year mark next Sunday.

The first two weeks of this year I was in a deep depression, as well as postpartum blues had finally gotten a tight grip on me, and all I could think about was running. I don't know where I was, or what I was doing. I just knew I had to run. I fought that urge and decided a divorce would be better. Well, that didn't happen either. So I took a trip, and a vacation to our local mental ward where I was diagnosed with sever borderline personality disorder. I was given medicine and released back out into the world. With a new diagnosis and no idea how to control it. So things just got worse.

My husband, fighting depression, pain and me; lost his battle on May 9th, and overdosed on heroin in the parking lot of the grocery store. Thank goddess some young men from French Town found him during a quick trip for some snacks between track meets. They managed to pull him out of the Jeep, and resuscitate him. He spent the night in ICU and 20 days in the mental ward, and ca,e out knowing he was done with the drugs. He has since then been sober and clean, and is steadily making it back to the man he once was.

My daughter Nani had to go to Tutu's house during all of this. I wanted her out of harms way, safe, and with family. I regret choosing this becasue she is so far away, and visiting isn't exactly easy. But there are good parts to that as well. She gets to know her Tutu and Papi, and Great Tutu came for a visit. Aunty Dianna, and Aunty Kara, and Aunty Mo are all getting to teacher very cool things. Ravyn has a play mate and Uncle Byrd has another miniature person to spoil. Nani has a boyfriend, little Austin, and goes to Tutu and me days. She has lots of animals to play with, and has learned how to use the big girl potty, drink out of big girl glasses, and her vocabulary is getting enormous! So as always there are good and bad, and always ugly. But its what you make of it that is the difference between, bad and ugly. I miss her so much, I'm now going insane without her. But if I keep on track, and stay out of trouble, Daddy and I will be with her soon. With any luck before the snow melts.

I've tried to keep up with my school work, but after Nani left, there isn't any fun, rhyme or reason, to do it. Yea yea, I learn but I don't take it to heart, I don't read the books... no one to read it to now except for the dog. I haven't lost the want to get my degree, I've just lost since of why. Its hard to explain but if I'm not being a better me, why try. The only reason I had to be a better me was Nani. With her gone, what do I have left, but to get her back. I want school in my heart, but my mind is not ready to grab a hold of that 50 pound weight and run, when it barely even turns on most days.

I'm still not ok, but I am better then what I was. Like I said, a rough year, but with some unknown power source on my side, whether it was AA, NA, counselling, crying, knowing what I want, the goddess, the fates, whatever. I have made it almost 365 days, since the beginning of this nightmare. But as I look closer, it has been just one more year of lessons learned. Yes, the hard way, because well... I wouldn't have it any other way.  Next time, I will try harder, be stronger, and not be afraid to call a time out. I will push until I break, but I won't push alone. And instead of allowing myself to be absent minded, I think I will blog it more often.

So this year, I want you to take your good, your bad and your ugly; I want you to learn from it, and grow from it. DO NOT regret it, for it is something you must learn. If you must regret anything, regret not of having learned sooner.

Love,
L.A.