Christmas Eve.
So it is the afternoon of Christmas Eve, and though I have never been bothered by missing Christmas activities. Yet now that I am a wife and a mother I feel almost ashamed to admit our house is not having a Christmas this year. I haven't been bothered by it before as being a witch I haven't celebrated it since the days of being a child in my parents home. I have celebrated Yule instead now for the last 12 years. But even this year because of financial stresses I couldn't do a Yule celebration either. I am sad in my heart and my soul. Even though I was just hand-fasted to my soul mate, and married to the love of my life, I am sad inside. It doesn't make any since to me. I know I have shut off many of my emotions over the years so I would be less vulnerable to emotional pain. But now that I have opened my heart again to love and joy and happiness I also have the side effects of the loss of those emotions. Hate, sadness, and depression and all the negative emotions that come with opening your self to emotions in general. This not only confuses me, but angers me. Why should I be upset that I cannot celebrate a Holiday that I don't like? What just because I have a daughter and a husband that gives my heart the right to make me feel bad??? Ummm NO i'm not ok with this. This is ridiculous. I don't like it and even worse I don't know what to do about it. I was able to purchase both my husband and my daughter each a present, but I couldn't buy wrapping paper or bows. Which makes me wanna cry even more... Why is it that the society we live in, puts so much pressure on us that we cry when we do not meet the "Standards" that have been set for us? Who set these standards and how do you get past them? Why is this year so different from last year? Last year we had a Christmas Tree, but its not about a tree. It is about sharing and loving with your family. And maybe that its what it is that is bothering me? Last year the three of us were invited to his family's home for dinner and gifts. Of course last year we were also invited to Thanksgiving, and Christmas, along with random dinner dates and this year we have only been invited to a wedding shower and a fourth of July BBQ. No thanksgiving, no Christmas, no random dinner dates. Is it something I did, or said? Or is it because of something he did or said? Either way I'm not sure what happened that could cause family to leave one member by the way side, even after having the same thing happen to me. My family left me by the way side around 12 years ago to fight and fend for myself. To be homeless and hungry, cold and alone is something no family should ever do to a member of their family, no matter what happened. Family is family, like Lelo and Stitch said, Ohana is family, and family means NO ONE gets left behind, or forgotten. Therefore; it is not OK to not include family in these family holidays. They may be awkward times for whatever reasons, but at least these damned things would be the way that society expects them to be.
Happy, Holly and Jolly and full of DRAMA... whatever...
BAH HUMMBUG!
We never left you. You were the one who made the choice to live with your boyfriend "in a much better world." We kept you in Youth Challenge, we convinced your CO to keep you in the Marines, We begged you to go to Hawaii after you were discharged. We asked your attorneys and PO officers to transfer you to Hawaii. We asked you to come home. We asked you and Devon to come home. We sent your sister to help with Nani. That blew up. We have all agreed that if you would have, you could have had it much easier. Now you have a beautiful child, a loving husband, a chance to change two other children's lives for the better and we are still begging you to come home! You made your choice, and your statement cuts me right in the heart "My family left me by the way side around 12 years ago to fight and fend for myself. To be homeless and hungry, cold and alone is something no family should ever do to a member of their family, no matter what happened. You have been invited to come to Hawaii and you have twice both times you insisted on returning to Montana.
ReplyDeleteI apologize mom. I did not mean to hurt you. I was saying things from my point of view. I don't remember much after coming home from boot. I remember seeing you and Mariah at the airport. I remember a little bit of college and hands on in the er next thing I remember is going to see you and you all were gone. Could the drinking cause the memory gap or other things that I was unwillingly doing? I do know however with my entire heart that you have given to me until you have bleed. You pushed for me and fought for me and as I have said before I say again I was foolish for not seeing it all. I AM coming home momma. I'm honestly not trying to fight you any more. You yourself have spoken to my attorney and knows what she thinks. I swear to you mom. Soon as they say go I am coming home. I am so stupid for not listening to you. I am too bull headed for my own good. I know that by leaving me here and forcing m to grow up was a hard choice for you. But I am grateful you did. Otherwise would I be the person I am today? Maybe, but I do not think so. I think I'd be the same old me. Leaving me here has changed me, and for the better. And leaving me by GH way side should of been better described. You left me to my own choices to get smart, or get strong. I some how managed to do both, du to making the wrong choices at that time in my life. I wish every day I had gone. But as we both know there is no hhappy medium for me. If I had gone I would of never grown up, because I stayed I have lost precious time with you. Momma please don't be sad. I didn't mean to hurt you. Knowing I have I feel horrible. I am crying and kicking my self. The last thing I would ever want to do is just someone I love. And out of everyone, I love you the most. I am so sorry mom.
DeleteI apologize mom. I did not mean to hurt you. I was saying things from my point of view. I don't remember much after coming home from boot. I remember seeing you and Mariah at the airport. I remember a little bit of college and hands on in the er next thing I remember is going to see you and you all were gone. Could the drinking cause the memory gap or other things that I was unwillingly doing? I do know however with my entire heart that you have given to me until you have bleed. You pushed for me and fought for me and as I have said before I say again I was foolish for not seeing it all. I AM coming home momma. I'm honestly not trying to fight you any more. You yourself have spoken to my attorney and knows what she thinks. I swear to you mom. Soon as they say go I am coming home. I am so stupid for not listening to you. I am too bull headed for my own good. I know that by leaving me here and forcing m to grow up was a hard choice for you. But I am grateful you did. Otherwise would I be the person I am today? Maybe, but I do not think so. I think I'd be the same old me. Leaving me here has changed me, and for the better. And leaving me by GH way side should of been better described. You left me to my own choices to get smart, or get strong. I some how managed to do both, du to making the wrong choices at that time in my life. I wish every day I had gone. But as we both know there is no hhappy medium for me. If I had gone I would of never grown up, because I stayed I have lost precious time with you. Momma please don't be sad. I didn't mean to hurt you. Knowing I have I feel horrible. I am crying and kicking my self. The last thing I would ever want to do is just someone I love. And out of everyone, I love you the most. I am so sorry mom.
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