January 16th, 2014

January 16, 2014

   Oh my friends what a time it has been. Its been fights and arguments and some smiles and happy moments. I don't know what is wrong with me, but I can push any bodies buttons faster then two shakes of a bunnies tail. I think I am on the verge of a huge anxiety attack. But that is why I am here with you all now, instead of doing what my anxieties are telling me to. I'm fighting it, constantly fighting it though is really starting to wear me out.

I have so much to do and so little time to do it all that it just cannot be done in time. As I am sitting here writing this my wonderful husband is scrubbing down the house. It makes me feel horrible that the house is in such disarray that he feels he has to clean it; just because I cannot keep up. But we had a talk about him wanting to help more, so even though I feel bad that he is doing it even on his own free will mind you, I'm not going to make him stop. On top of the fifthly shame of a house, I have a laundry pile to the ceiling, insurance needing to be purchased, taxes coming up, a yard full of doggy poo that needs cleaned up, a chimney to get swept, a down stairs that needs cleaned, carpets that need vacuumed and shampooed, stuff all over the house to be put away, thrown away or given away, school work due tonight that is still not done, a play pen and a crib to wipe down, sanitize, and re- make after spending two days with a sick baby, with bed time past by about three hours.

Why am I so far behind??? Well after going to bed this morning at  6am and waking up at 11am to get ready for husbands court date, coming home around 2:30pm to turn around and take sick and hurt baby and hurt hubby to the emergency room, and finally getting home at 9:45pm, I am just too exhausted to do anything but sit here and talk it out with you why I am so angry, bitchy, and snippety.

It's not by choice mind you, so something has to be going on with me or my immediate surroundings causing this over flow of negativity. There has been nightmares, night terrors, and even a few sleepless nights since my last blog. There is something with in myself or my surroundings causing this flow of negativity, and I HAVE to find it soon before it destroys my life as I know it. So I'm GOING to list TEN positive things in my life and my surroundings and then I'm off to find out when the waning moon rolls around so I can cleanse my life of all this negative energy.

I have been trying to meditate as I fall asleep so that I can wake up in a better mood, some days it works others not some much. I have eliminated people and things out of my life that brought about negativity, I and I have even gone so far as to start this blog to try to have a spot where I can let everything out. Yet, here I am no better for the wear. 

So here it goes... TEN POSITIVE THINGS
...wish me luck.

1.) I have a wonderful husband who loves me and his non- blood daughter with everything he has.

2.) I have a beautiful, smart, and loving daughter, who wants nothing more then to be happy.

3.) I have a warm home in which to eat, sleep, stay clean, and healthy in.

4.) I have my physical needs met.

5.) I am working harder than ever to resolve my mental and emotional needs.

6.) I am smart, funny, fairly well educated, and I CAN BE LOVING.

7.) I am facing the consequences to my actions with a more mature out look.

8.) I want to be in a life - long relationship with my family, I do not want to quit or give up, just because it is hard.

9.) I am hard headed and stubborn, when I want something, I don't stop until I have it.

10.) The outside and the insides of my life may seem messy at times, but I have to give credit when it is due, I have a better grip on it now, then I did two years ago.

January 3rd, 2014

January 3, 2014

Ok, I need to know. Who else wakes up from a bad dream, with that fight or flight felling, but you can't remember your dream so you don't calm down as quick?

Yep, that's exactly why its 0312 and I'm wide awake. Yet, I know I should be dead asleep. On New Years I was upnuntil about 4 am, safe at home but was wide awake. Yesterday 201412 I got maybe 15 minutes of sleep as injust couldn't sleep, then there is today. Went to bed around 1930 with sleeping medicine, and at 0222 woke up scared as shit. As a stay at home mom and wife most would think it'd be ok, but what isn't know to non- parents is you only get to sleep when they sleep. And with a 16 month old already having the terrible two symptoms, sleep is only after 10 pm and before 5 am. Not a lot of time to catch up on lost sleep. Oddly enough I now need sleep. Before I became pregnant, sleep was not reqired, now and since pregnancy sleep is demanded not just by my body but by my head. Sometimes one or the other disagrees, but most of the time it is I kicking and screaming when I am put to bed. Funny how things change like that. I don't always think its funny, actually 99%  of the time I am angryb that I am not like I used to be in many ways. Back 3 years ago, I didn't require food, sleep, much medication, or comfort, or arguing, or ... anything really. Now food, sleep, comfort, medication, assurance,  and so much more are daily requirements some times more than once. Its ridiculous to me, when I don't understand what changed so dramatically. And when I don't understand, I do become frustrated and irritable. 

Not much of a long day ahead of me. Take hubby to work, fix jeep, Im positive I know what is wrong, do a few loads of laundry, make appointment at 1300 to try to help my friends family with some issues with the two kids, pick up hubby at 1630 and make dinner, and put laundry away. So not a horribly busy day, yet with out the required amount of sleep by 1300 I know ill be dragging @$$.  But don't cry for me, hubby hasn't been to sleep since the night of december 29th. So he hasn't slept all year. Is it possible that I could be gaining back my insomnia? As long as the mental stability comes back with it I honestly won't complain. Every mother and housewife can use a few extra hours, right ladies?! OH!!! And to the Mr. Moms out there kudos to you!!!

Well since were both up, I think ill take the opertunity to cuddle and spend time with hubby.

Peace, love and blessings,

Leilani A.

January 1st, 2014

January 1, 2014


 Well its official. Its not even 7pm on the first day of the new year and I have started it off with a great arguement.

I went up to the hospital to visit my dear friend after recieving news of her improvement, and I took Nani with me as she has always helped Momma Lisa to feel beter.  We did get to say hello and see that beautiful smile of hers. I think she tried to say, " Hi, Nani!", but havinga tube Iin her mouth made it hard to tell. But her smile said it all. So of couree once out of the elevator I call hubby and tell him the good news. I had to have Nani walk as she has become too heavy for me to carry with a hurting back and neak. Nani being a curious child she has to stop every three steps to figure out what kind of stuff is on the ground. So I'm on the phone and trying to get her to just walk and of course no is the answer I get. I'm also trying to help hubby over the phone save his FAVORITE  WHITE shirt. Of course by now I'm agrivated because I hurt, Nani's unwillingness to comply, and I use the wrong words wrong tone and now I have up set hubby. F'ING perfect.

I drop my phone while trying to buckle Nani in her car seat and wondering why i cant ever not sound like im upset about anything; I managed to upset hubby even more. He calls back but I'm struggling trying to buckle Nani in, and I miss his call... great. I get her safely buckled in I grab my phone and call hubby back. And apperantly that is how you start an arguement. so the whole five minute drive home were discussing how to fix his shirt. I need it in hot water NOW. I always manage to use the wrong tone, wrong words wrong wrong wrong... always F'ING WRONG!

So I get in side we're discussing and i mention I finally understand how he says I get worse with out my meds and apparently I argued last night, and now again tonight.  He decieds to say his first marriage was practice to find what he wanted in a wife, some one who argueesall the time. So feeling like comolete shit I retire to our room. After some more discussing, I managed to make him feel like shit on total accident. All I said was I'm sensitive to the things he jokes about. And then I appologize for being to sensitive.

Im so tired of being wrong, wrong words wrong tone wrong everything. I'm begining to wish I had never survived some horrific stuff. I know I know its a sign of deep depression blah blah blah... BULLSH! T!!! Is a sign of being to tired to keep fighting fate.

L.A.