January 1st, 2014

January 1, 2014


 Well its official. Its not even 7pm on the first day of the new year and I have started it off with a great arguement.

I went up to the hospital to visit my dear friend after recieving news of her improvement, and I took Nani with me as she has always helped Momma Lisa to feel beter.  We did get to say hello and see that beautiful smile of hers. I think she tried to say, " Hi, Nani!", but havinga tube Iin her mouth made it hard to tell. But her smile said it all. So of couree once out of the elevator I call hubby and tell him the good news. I had to have Nani walk as she has become too heavy for me to carry with a hurting back and neak. Nani being a curious child she has to stop every three steps to figure out what kind of stuff is on the ground. So I'm on the phone and trying to get her to just walk and of course no is the answer I get. I'm also trying to help hubby over the phone save his FAVORITE  WHITE shirt. Of course by now I'm agrivated because I hurt, Nani's unwillingness to comply, and I use the wrong words wrong tone and now I have up set hubby. F'ING perfect.

I drop my phone while trying to buckle Nani in her car seat and wondering why i cant ever not sound like im upset about anything; I managed to upset hubby even more. He calls back but I'm struggling trying to buckle Nani in, and I miss his call... great. I get her safely buckled in I grab my phone and call hubby back. And apperantly that is how you start an arguement. so the whole five minute drive home were discussing how to fix his shirt. I need it in hot water NOW. I always manage to use the wrong tone, wrong words wrong wrong wrong... always F'ING WRONG!

So I get in side we're discussing and i mention I finally understand how he says I get worse with out my meds and apparently I argued last night, and now again tonight.  He decieds to say his first marriage was practice to find what he wanted in a wife, some one who argueesall the time. So feeling like comolete shit I retire to our room. After some more discussing, I managed to make him feel like shit on total accident. All I said was I'm sensitive to the things he jokes about. And then I appologize for being to sensitive.

Im so tired of being wrong, wrong words wrong tone wrong everything. I'm begining to wish I had never survived some horrific stuff. I know I know its a sign of deep depression blah blah blah... BULLSH! T!!! Is a sign of being to tired to keep fighting fate.

L.A.