January 16th, 2014

January 16, 2014

   Oh my friends what a time it has been. Its been fights and arguments and some smiles and happy moments. I don't know what is wrong with me, but I can push any bodies buttons faster then two shakes of a bunnies tail. I think I am on the verge of a huge anxiety attack. But that is why I am here with you all now, instead of doing what my anxieties are telling me to. I'm fighting it, constantly fighting it though is really starting to wear me out.

I have so much to do and so little time to do it all that it just cannot be done in time. As I am sitting here writing this my wonderful husband is scrubbing down the house. It makes me feel horrible that the house is in such disarray that he feels he has to clean it; just because I cannot keep up. But we had a talk about him wanting to help more, so even though I feel bad that he is doing it even on his own free will mind you, I'm not going to make him stop. On top of the fifthly shame of a house, I have a laundry pile to the ceiling, insurance needing to be purchased, taxes coming up, a yard full of doggy poo that needs cleaned up, a chimney to get swept, a down stairs that needs cleaned, carpets that need vacuumed and shampooed, stuff all over the house to be put away, thrown away or given away, school work due tonight that is still not done, a play pen and a crib to wipe down, sanitize, and re- make after spending two days with a sick baby, with bed time past by about three hours.

Why am I so far behind??? Well after going to bed this morning at  6am and waking up at 11am to get ready for husbands court date, coming home around 2:30pm to turn around and take sick and hurt baby and hurt hubby to the emergency room, and finally getting home at 9:45pm, I am just too exhausted to do anything but sit here and talk it out with you why I am so angry, bitchy, and snippety.

It's not by choice mind you, so something has to be going on with me or my immediate surroundings causing this over flow of negativity. There has been nightmares, night terrors, and even a few sleepless nights since my last blog. There is something with in myself or my surroundings causing this flow of negativity, and I HAVE to find it soon before it destroys my life as I know it. So I'm GOING to list TEN positive things in my life and my surroundings and then I'm off to find out when the waning moon rolls around so I can cleanse my life of all this negative energy.

I have been trying to meditate as I fall asleep so that I can wake up in a better mood, some days it works others not some much. I have eliminated people and things out of my life that brought about negativity, I and I have even gone so far as to start this blog to try to have a spot where I can let everything out. Yet, here I am no better for the wear. 

So here it goes... TEN POSITIVE THINGS
...wish me luck.

1.) I have a wonderful husband who loves me and his non- blood daughter with everything he has.

2.) I have a beautiful, smart, and loving daughter, who wants nothing more then to be happy.

3.) I have a warm home in which to eat, sleep, stay clean, and healthy in.

4.) I have my physical needs met.

5.) I am working harder than ever to resolve my mental and emotional needs.

6.) I am smart, funny, fairly well educated, and I CAN BE LOVING.

7.) I am facing the consequences to my actions with a more mature out look.

8.) I want to be in a life - long relationship with my family, I do not want to quit or give up, just because it is hard.

9.) I am hard headed and stubborn, when I want something, I don't stop until I have it.

10.) The outside and the insides of my life may seem messy at times, but I have to give credit when it is due, I have a better grip on it now, then I did two years ago.