June 6th, 2014

JUNE 6, 2014

Hello Lovies,

I m so sorry its been a while since we last spoke. I wanted so much to keep up on my blogging back in April when I last wrote to you all, but May turned into the month of trials and hell. But here we are together once again and it is June so with any luck and a shimmer of kindness fro the fates this month will treat me a little better.

Where do I begin? Well I guess I'll do this chronologically to the best of my memory...
So on the evening of May 9th, Hubby over dosed on heroin, and by over dosed I mean was flat lined dead. Some boys from French-town were here in Kalispell for a track meet and they happen to come across Hubby passed out in the Jeep engine revving, and doors locked. Thankfully one of the boys could reach through the small opening of the window and unlocked the door. An older woman who happen to see all of this too came over as the boys were pulling Hubby out of the jeep and started giving him rescue breaths and heart compressions. An ambulance was called as was the fire department and the local police. Mean while back at a friends I get a phone call from a police officer saying that my husband had over dosed and I needed to come get the jeep because the dogs were in it. Needless to say, I died; right there. My whole world just collapsed. my daughter had to be taken to my parents not 3 weeks ago, because I knew we were about to be homeless; so she is gone. And now my husband is dead and receiving rescue breaths... If I was ever going to commit suicide, that would of been the day. Then why am I still here? Because my daughter is my sunshine, I am going to have at least her back in my life. Come hell or high water; Ill take those parenting classes, Ill take anger management, hell Ill even take meditation classes just to prove that I am a god damned good mom.

Well Hubby pulls through the over dose, and spends the next 12 days in Pathways, our local Mental Hospital. He goes through with drawl, and is finally fully sober for the first time in almost two years. He's angry, hard to talk to, hard to even look at with the love in my eyes that I do have for him. I found out that he had pictures of naked women I KNOW on his phone, not to mention about 600 other pictures of naked women. There are dating websites and conversations that are not ok. Yet put the shoe on the other foot and he would of left me...  All of this on the phone of a man who PROMISES  he takes HIS vows seriously. Hmmm... how serious is serious and how faithful is unfaithful. What is your definition of cheating? Yet I get accused of having pictures on my phone, and not talking to people when he is around and so on and so forth, which is all a figment of his twisted mind. Yet he is the one who walks out of the house to answer his phone. I am not the only one who has watched this happen on numerous occasions.  Its turned into a tit for tat relationship, if that is even the proper term for whatever in the hell this mess is. I just wanna stab him in the throat with my wedding ring and make him swallow it; or choke on it... either way I am hurt, I am Pissed Off, and as an added brownie point  I have not been taking ANY of my medications so I am extremely unstable, suicidal and well now I'm drunk.

It is now about the 21st of May and Hubby is released from Pathways to go live with a slum lord who houses addicts and alcoholics by the dozens in a four bed room home. 5 guys are still using, 2 are still drinking and 1 is smoking pills in the basement. Yup, just where unstable hubby needs to be. But the slumlord, nor the three probation officers think hubby is ready to come home. Which I actually agree with. At least in slumlords house there is curfew, and rules with consequences. They are slow to react, and I really don't like the place but its what hubby needs. Slowly, and day by day hubby and I go through the ups and downs and finally find a level playing ground. Daily he is going to NA/ AA meetings and I go with him, one to be supportive and two, well because I am an alcoholic. I had 4 years and 48 days of sobriety before the night of May 9th. As of today, the 6th of June I have not had a drink in 14 days. I want many don't get me wrong, but I HATE the tit for tat bull shit, so if I am going to require hubby to stay clean and sober in order for our relationship to keep going, then I should lead by example and stay sober myself. To me, sobriety for my family and my happiness is worth not drinking.

Now besides the verbal arguments and hurtful things that have been said, I feel... ok. I'm not better, but I am breathing, I am taking my medications, and I am alive. On the 1st of June I moved into my own apartment. I'm starting over from square one. My daughter is with my parents and family and she is healthy and safe. Hubby is on his own, I'll talk to him, I'll spend time with him, hell I even kiss him and tell him I love him. But right now its ME time. Time for me to heal from the sicknesses I suffer. Time for me to heal from the wounds of this 7 month war with my own husband. It is time from me to get healthier, happier, and find my balance again.

Today I joined the SBGi (Straight Blast Gym international) for Jujitsu classes, as well as some yoga, and to become healthier inside and out. I need balance and calmness in my life. My mind is chaos all the tie, something in my life needs to not be mayhem. Although the last few days I have felt a bit calmer and a little more stable I will forever be a dormant volcano, waiting for the day I explode, and destroy everything. But if I can keep that at bay for a few more decades the little piece of my world will be a much safer place to be.

I start school again next Tuesday. I was supposed to go back in May, but being homeless and all; I extended my leave of absence. But I am excited to get to do school work again. Who knows with nothing but my Jujitsu classes, counseling, and sleep at random times I have nothing else to concentrate on but school work. So my grades should pick up as well as my complete comprehensions of the material I am trying to learn. So the month of May tried to destroy me, but I came out stronger, more determined, and hell bent harder than I have been in just over ten years.

Hubby, daughter and I will all end up together again, and better than before. Its gonna take some time, and there is a lot of issues in just that; which I require myself to work through. So as always thank you for being here, and letting me rant and rave and be mad.  Someday I may just find sanity. How horrible would that be?!?!? Then what would all you lovies do???

Goodnight my loves,
LA