April 19, 2014

April 19th, 2014

Wow! So many things have been started, accomplished and set in to motion that some days its overwhelming.  First the move to Hawaii has been approved we just have to be sentenced,  and do the paperwork. Second, we are looking for a new home to stay in, due to our landlord wanting to sell his home that we reside in. Then I have been diagnosed with not only bi- polar disorder 2, PTST, and anxiety, but also border line personality disorder sever. So accordingly my meds have been changed. Devon is now in counseling,  and were looking into marrage counseling.

School work has been rough these last two months due to the deepest depression I have been in, in almost 10 years. But on the bright side, on the 16th of April I went down to Fort Harrison for a Board of Veteran Appeals video conferance with the Judge. (Thank you mom.) I would love to say it went well and that once I get my new records to him, that I think I have finally accomplished recieving my 100% with individual unemployability. I'm just too screwed up any more to deal with being in the public. Which brings me to yet another achievement,  I have been perscribed an emotional support animal, as has Devon and Nani. So maybe that will be helpful when going into pupblic places and things that trigger my anxieties.

OH!!!! Our official marriage certificate came in the mail yesterday, its in a frame hanging next to some othere photos and love decorations. I do love Devon with all my heart, but again I'm so messed up I can't properly show it, which is one of the projects Im working on. Also started a sunflower garden, and have Nani helping me. Its our mother/ daughter activity we chose for the summer.  We also got bird houses and a bird feeder, so we have more visitors from nature.

I also want to creat a mommy time out room. Where I can go to be alone but at the same time it can be my alter room, my meditation room, just a room for mommy. No children allowed. It would be a quite relaxing zen spa like room where you can only come in with love and peace in your heart. This way it is an emotionally safe space for Devon and I to talk. 

So as you can see I've been a busy little bee, but its all for the better of my family and my self and our relationship. You know its bad when your 20 month old daughter argues with her self because she see mommy and daddy do it. Once we have our new home, whether its here or Hawaii, there is going to be a new set of rules for the family. Like NO FIGHTING NEAR NANI. If she's gotta go to a babysitters or to tutu's house so Devon and I can argue then so be it. But Nani needs to see love, passion, happiness, and joy. I don't want her growing up not knowing these emotions.

So on a final note I've been hospitalized psychologically, twice now with in the same month. I'm not ok, but for my mother, my husband, my daughter and myself, I won't stop fighting.

I love all of you, and may you all be blessed with love, hope, joy, and prosperity.

LA

April 4th, 2014

April 4, 2014

I am so sorry to have been gone away for so long. So much has happened since my last post I don't know if I can name them all.

But the fighting between hubby and I are and have been getting worse. His fuse is becoming shorter as is mine. I ended up in the local mental ward for a few days, so I could try and dig up what it was that was driving me to suicidal thoughts. Besides the financial stress of hubby loosing his job, and both of us looking at 5 years probation, the internal issues inside the two of us, fighting to survive the internal battle we both fight, it ended up boiling down stress, internal anger because I feel Im becoming more and more of what I don't want to be and the internal issues that my husband is fighting. But we have decieded to stick to our handfasting and our vows, and help each other with what we nee. Not the matieralistic things but the deeper things that will matter for years to come.

I have continued with counseling and a change in medications which... seem to be helping some days. I am still doing my schooling as it helps me feel progressive and it helps a little financially. Nani is continuing to push my buttons and her boundaries but with discipline, and repetitiveness it seems to be taking effect.  We have also started on working on potty training. She has her own potty and will sit on it but has yet to use it... we have pull ups for day time, and diapers for naps and bed times. We're learning the word potty... now if we can just get all of our ducks in the same sock.

For my husbands birthday I got him an Old English Bull Dogge, and I now have 2 Chihuahuas.  Im wanting to get the all registard as companion animals for us 3. They are an added bundleof laughter and play, as well as teaching Nani to be responsible.  I have her help me keep water and food for the chiahuahus, and to be gentle with them. So Judge is the bull dogge, Dredd is the male Chihuahua,   and Kate is the little girl Chihuahua. They are all so cute, and wonderful

But off to bed it is fom me. I love you all, and blessed be.

L.A.

Febuary 2nd, 2014

Its been a while my friends.  So much has happened in the last three weeks, I'm not sure I can remember it all.

Mine and hubbies fights are getting worse, Koda went home, and my hubby has been caught lying to me. We both have court dates coming up soon and were struggling to pay bills. So the stress in my home is very dangerously high. I say dangerously high because though I have managed to not hurt myself in 7 years, the urges to do so are coming back. The nightmares are coming back and all to familiar emotions and feelings are returning. I feel as if I have some how failed, my husband, my daughter and myself. Yes, I am in counsiling again and some few days it helps, but most days I fear its to late.

I just wanted to stop in and let all of you know I'm still alive. I hope your all doing good and remembering you are loved.

L.A

January 16th, 2014

January 16, 2014

   Oh my friends what a time it has been. Its been fights and arguments and some smiles and happy moments. I don't know what is wrong with me, but I can push any bodies buttons faster then two shakes of a bunnies tail. I think I am on the verge of a huge anxiety attack. But that is why I am here with you all now, instead of doing what my anxieties are telling me to. I'm fighting it, constantly fighting it though is really starting to wear me out.

I have so much to do and so little time to do it all that it just cannot be done in time. As I am sitting here writing this my wonderful husband is scrubbing down the house. It makes me feel horrible that the house is in such disarray that he feels he has to clean it; just because I cannot keep up. But we had a talk about him wanting to help more, so even though I feel bad that he is doing it even on his own free will mind you, I'm not going to make him stop. On top of the fifthly shame of a house, I have a laundry pile to the ceiling, insurance needing to be purchased, taxes coming up, a yard full of doggy poo that needs cleaned up, a chimney to get swept, a down stairs that needs cleaned, carpets that need vacuumed and shampooed, stuff all over the house to be put away, thrown away or given away, school work due tonight that is still not done, a play pen and a crib to wipe down, sanitize, and re- make after spending two days with a sick baby, with bed time past by about three hours.

Why am I so far behind??? Well after going to bed this morning at  6am and waking up at 11am to get ready for husbands court date, coming home around 2:30pm to turn around and take sick and hurt baby and hurt hubby to the emergency room, and finally getting home at 9:45pm, I am just too exhausted to do anything but sit here and talk it out with you why I am so angry, bitchy, and snippety.

It's not by choice mind you, so something has to be going on with me or my immediate surroundings causing this over flow of negativity. There has been nightmares, night terrors, and even a few sleepless nights since my last blog. There is something with in myself or my surroundings causing this flow of negativity, and I HAVE to find it soon before it destroys my life as I know it. So I'm GOING to list TEN positive things in my life and my surroundings and then I'm off to find out when the waning moon rolls around so I can cleanse my life of all this negative energy.

I have been trying to meditate as I fall asleep so that I can wake up in a better mood, some days it works others not some much. I have eliminated people and things out of my life that brought about negativity, I and I have even gone so far as to start this blog to try to have a spot where I can let everything out. Yet, here I am no better for the wear. 

So here it goes... TEN POSITIVE THINGS
...wish me luck.

1.) I have a wonderful husband who loves me and his non- blood daughter with everything he has.

2.) I have a beautiful, smart, and loving daughter, who wants nothing more then to be happy.

3.) I have a warm home in which to eat, sleep, stay clean, and healthy in.

4.) I have my physical needs met.

5.) I am working harder than ever to resolve my mental and emotional needs.

6.) I am smart, funny, fairly well educated, and I CAN BE LOVING.

7.) I am facing the consequences to my actions with a more mature out look.

8.) I want to be in a life - long relationship with my family, I do not want to quit or give up, just because it is hard.

9.) I am hard headed and stubborn, when I want something, I don't stop until I have it.

10.) The outside and the insides of my life may seem messy at times, but I have to give credit when it is due, I have a better grip on it now, then I did two years ago.

January 3rd, 2014

January 3, 2014

Ok, I need to know. Who else wakes up from a bad dream, with that fight or flight felling, but you can't remember your dream so you don't calm down as quick?

Yep, that's exactly why its 0312 and I'm wide awake. Yet, I know I should be dead asleep. On New Years I was upnuntil about 4 am, safe at home but was wide awake. Yesterday 201412 I got maybe 15 minutes of sleep as injust couldn't sleep, then there is today. Went to bed around 1930 with sleeping medicine, and at 0222 woke up scared as shit. As a stay at home mom and wife most would think it'd be ok, but what isn't know to non- parents is you only get to sleep when they sleep. And with a 16 month old already having the terrible two symptoms, sleep is only after 10 pm and before 5 am. Not a lot of time to catch up on lost sleep. Oddly enough I now need sleep. Before I became pregnant, sleep was not reqired, now and since pregnancy sleep is demanded not just by my body but by my head. Sometimes one or the other disagrees, but most of the time it is I kicking and screaming when I am put to bed. Funny how things change like that. I don't always think its funny, actually 99%  of the time I am angryb that I am not like I used to be in many ways. Back 3 years ago, I didn't require food, sleep, much medication, or comfort, or arguing, or ... anything really. Now food, sleep, comfort, medication, assurance,  and so much more are daily requirements some times more than once. Its ridiculous to me, when I don't understand what changed so dramatically. And when I don't understand, I do become frustrated and irritable. 

Not much of a long day ahead of me. Take hubby to work, fix jeep, Im positive I know what is wrong, do a few loads of laundry, make appointment at 1300 to try to help my friends family with some issues with the two kids, pick up hubby at 1630 and make dinner, and put laundry away. So not a horribly busy day, yet with out the required amount of sleep by 1300 I know ill be dragging @$$.  But don't cry for me, hubby hasn't been to sleep since the night of december 29th. So he hasn't slept all year. Is it possible that I could be gaining back my insomnia? As long as the mental stability comes back with it I honestly won't complain. Every mother and housewife can use a few extra hours, right ladies?! OH!!! And to the Mr. Moms out there kudos to you!!!

Well since were both up, I think ill take the opertunity to cuddle and spend time with hubby.

Peace, love and blessings,

Leilani A.

January 1st, 2014

January 1, 2014


 Well its official. Its not even 7pm on the first day of the new year and I have started it off with a great arguement.

I went up to the hospital to visit my dear friend after recieving news of her improvement, and I took Nani with me as she has always helped Momma Lisa to feel beter.  We did get to say hello and see that beautiful smile of hers. I think she tried to say, " Hi, Nani!", but havinga tube Iin her mouth made it hard to tell. But her smile said it all. So of couree once out of the elevator I call hubby and tell him the good news. I had to have Nani walk as she has become too heavy for me to carry with a hurting back and neak. Nani being a curious child she has to stop every three steps to figure out what kind of stuff is on the ground. So I'm on the phone and trying to get her to just walk and of course no is the answer I get. I'm also trying to help hubby over the phone save his FAVORITE  WHITE shirt. Of course by now I'm agrivated because I hurt, Nani's unwillingness to comply, and I use the wrong words wrong tone and now I have up set hubby. F'ING perfect.

I drop my phone while trying to buckle Nani in her car seat and wondering why i cant ever not sound like im upset about anything; I managed to upset hubby even more. He calls back but I'm struggling trying to buckle Nani in, and I miss his call... great. I get her safely buckled in I grab my phone and call hubby back. And apperantly that is how you start an arguement. so the whole five minute drive home were discussing how to fix his shirt. I need it in hot water NOW. I always manage to use the wrong tone, wrong words wrong wrong wrong... always F'ING WRONG!

So I get in side we're discussing and i mention I finally understand how he says I get worse with out my meds and apparently I argued last night, and now again tonight.  He decieds to say his first marriage was practice to find what he wanted in a wife, some one who argueesall the time. So feeling like comolete shit I retire to our room. After some more discussing, I managed to make him feel like shit on total accident. All I said was I'm sensitive to the things he jokes about. And then I appologize for being to sensitive.

Im so tired of being wrong, wrong words wrong tone wrong everything. I'm begining to wish I had never survived some horrific stuff. I know I know its a sign of deep depression blah blah blah... BULLSH! T!!! Is a sign of being to tired to keep fighting fate.

L.A.

December 29th, 2013

December 29, 2013

      Not too much today. Though there were some issues yesterday I tried to let go of but they have left a sting on my heart.

Yesterday though hubby let me sleep in, he still managed to hurt me, by total accident mind you. He had to go lock up the job site, he tells me this kisses Nani and I then just leaves. Yet I heard his phone going off all morning. He was talking on it quietly when I came out of our room. He told me he'd only be gone an hour. Almost three hours later, he finally comes home.

I'm not saying he is doing anything wrong, but I am saying something's not right.  And it irritated me that one I was upset and two that he didn't ask even if I wanted to go. I have my phone turned down on weekends so as not to disturb our family time. For a while now I have felt that there is something more important out there then our family time. And that hurts me, knowing I'm insecure because of past relationships hurt me. I am my own worst enemy.

I have decided it would be best to talk to hubby about this another day. Not that he is inconsiderant of Nani and I, but sometimes I think he forgets I don't get to leave the house often. I don't get much alone time with him. Even if it was only an hour that we'd be out. I'd take that hour with him and cherish it forever. Not that I don't charrish my days with Nani but were talking 23/7/365. I love her to death, I would never want to be without her. But an hour to myself or an hour alone with hubby doesn't seem like I'm asking for to much. I know I'm a mom, I've given up going to the bathroom alone, and long bubble baths, sick days, sleep and even hot meals to myself. But one hour with hubby I didn't think was impossible.

He slept all day right up to our wedding ceremony Saturday. He sleeps when ever he can. I wake up at 4:30 am most mornings with Nani. I stay up late to finish my days work. I cook I clean I do school work and child care. I just wanted one hour.

Was I asking too much?

Then the dear sweet roommate stole money from us, when it was given to him to pay the electric bill. So as the cookies crumble we now are on per paid electric. I myself have come up with $260 this month alone compaired to his $20 to keep our lights on. So today with less than $8 left he wants to do laundry. Let's think about this.... $!%@ NO. Then he wants to bitch about having to wear dirty clothes. B$*@! If you wouldn't of stolen from me we ALL could do laundry and turn on the lights. Go ahead say one more word I dare you. Because once you do you can get out. I might let you take your shit with you.

* SIGH * Its always at the end of the month when people wanna bitch at me because I'm doing everything I can while they do nothing. I'm so sick of it. I spend the most money on this damned house and you can't give me any respect? Who the #@$! do you think you are?!?!

But instead of taking my frustration out on hubby I took it out on roommate. Just as I should. So though my mood may not be changing, at least I can direct my frustration at the proper poor soul whom deserves my attitude. Oh, and just as a note yes I took MY laundry detergent to MY room. I bought it I'll do what I want with it. Not my #$!king problem you don't have any. Either pitch in for a big bottle or get your own.

It is truly amazing how much better I feel after these blog entries. I can vent and at the same time not cause a disruption in my home. And then there are you readers. Again if you have ideas or advice please let me know. I am very open to learning and growing. Just please be respectful with your advice and comments.

Much love,

Leilani A.