So I know a few different stay at home mammas and wives, and they all have something in common. They all have a hobby, children, an at home job, something to do to occupy their time. I do have a two year old, but she currently lives with grandma. I also have an 15 month old Olde English Bull Dogge, who is my service dog, and my companion while hubby is at work. BUT! Problem is I AM BORED. I don't normally admit to this because as a child my mamma would always have amazing chores for us to do if we got bored. But I can only clean my house so many times, I tried to learn how to knit, and though I love it, my hands do not. So I've been putting though into this, and here is what I came up with. I am going to become a real life pin up.
I know, I know its obscure. But guess what! Its not like I have much else to do. So I've done some research and a beautiful woman who goes by the name of Lyla Blush on Facebook, has inspired me to become a live pin up. I've always felt I was meant for a different era, the 1920's through the1950's. The prohibition, flapper dresses, speak easies, and the jazz, the blues, and the classic cars have always held my attention. But with tattoos and body piercings I obviously wouldn't make up for a classic style pin up, but there are so many "new age" pin up ladies. I want to start a new breed of pin up ladies. This is where you lovies come in. I already have another wonderful lady that Lyla Blush recommended me to for making my dresses, and she goes by the name of Razzy Tazzy Pin Up Fashion. There are a few different styles of dresses I have ordered. But I don't want to be the average new age pin up girl. Yes my hair is shades of purple and black, its kinda my signature. I don't have the body to be playboy bunny material, and again I do have noticeable piercings and tattoos.
So I'm needing ideas, lovies. What kind of pin ups would you like to see that are not on every other magazine cover? I've thought of maybe going in the direction of my religion and do pagan pin up girl. But would that disrespect the goddesses? I thought it'd be fun to maybe do a pin up mamma... then my daughter could be a part of this, which I think would just be so much fun. But of course that opens the doors for pageants and talent shows and her wearing make up before 16... a whole slew of problems I don't know how or even if I want to deal with them. So I have come to a stand still. Any ideas would be fabulous! I have a photographer in mind once my dresses and things come in. She doesn't know yet so keep this between you and me. But I'm hoping between Razzy Tazzy and Sierra Lind I might be able to get a few photos into some magazines, or web sites. I love being a model for Sierra Lind, and my genius sister said make money. So... Ideas lovies! I NEED YOUR IDEAS!!! What kind of pin ups would you like to see, or have come back?
Thanks so very much for all your love and support.
L.A.
Monday, December 22, 2014
December 22nd, 2014
December 22, 2014
Its hard to believe that just a year ago I woke up a married woman. Its strange to look back at all the crap this year, and say I stayed and fought because of love. Its true though. If I did not love this man as much as I do, I would of left, within the first month of our marriage. My mom got that phone call. She asked "If your not happy; then why did you marry him?" All I could say was because I was happy. She asked what had changed, his attitude, his temper, his whole demeanor had flipped. It was from that day forward I could see the mudslide of my life go up in flames. One bad thing after another seemed to plague my house, then my family, then my marriage. And the day I swore it was over and that the problems would go away if I wasn't there to make them. I heard a voice tell me not to give up. I've never given up; specifically in a fight. So I picked my self up, dusted my self off; and pushed back. I pushed beyond any limit I had reached before. I pushed beyond my anger, my hate, my rage. I pushed passed my loneliness, my heart ache and my physical pain. My mental stability, and my physical well being were not longer of concern. All I wanted was my family back, under one roof.
Soon after my husband did come home. Better, and healthier then he was. He started working again, making better judgement calls and decisions. And since that day, he has not stopped working. He has not stopped taking the medicine required to help him fight his sickness. He continues to fight the good fight.
As for my self, though I am so worn out, and worn down; I still fight. I fight the depression, and self hate I have. I am still pushing but running out of steam. But every missed hug, missed kiss, and unheard laugh continues to drive me. I WILL have my family under one roof again. I will use every ounce of my being to make it happen. Why? Because, I'm not a quitter; even if the odds are against me, I don't know how to quit. Its not over until its ok, if its not ok; then it isn't over.
Moral of the story is, no matter what obsticle you face, there is always something greater inside yourself to get you over, under, around, or through whatever it is. You just have to be brave enough to find it.
Its hard to believe that just a year ago I woke up a married woman. Its strange to look back at all the crap this year, and say I stayed and fought because of love. Its true though. If I did not love this man as much as I do, I would of left, within the first month of our marriage. My mom got that phone call. She asked "If your not happy; then why did you marry him?" All I could say was because I was happy. She asked what had changed, his attitude, his temper, his whole demeanor had flipped. It was from that day forward I could see the mudslide of my life go up in flames. One bad thing after another seemed to plague my house, then my family, then my marriage. And the day I swore it was over and that the problems would go away if I wasn't there to make them. I heard a voice tell me not to give up. I've never given up; specifically in a fight. So I picked my self up, dusted my self off; and pushed back. I pushed beyond any limit I had reached before. I pushed beyond my anger, my hate, my rage. I pushed passed my loneliness, my heart ache and my physical pain. My mental stability, and my physical well being were not longer of concern. All I wanted was my family back, under one roof.
Soon after my husband did come home. Better, and healthier then he was. He started working again, making better judgement calls and decisions. And since that day, he has not stopped working. He has not stopped taking the medicine required to help him fight his sickness. He continues to fight the good fight.
As for my self, though I am so worn out, and worn down; I still fight. I fight the depression, and self hate I have. I am still pushing but running out of steam. But every missed hug, missed kiss, and unheard laugh continues to drive me. I WILL have my family under one roof again. I will use every ounce of my being to make it happen. Why? Because, I'm not a quitter; even if the odds are against me, I don't know how to quit. Its not over until its ok, if its not ok; then it isn't over.
Moral of the story is, no matter what obsticle you face, there is always something greater inside yourself to get you over, under, around, or through whatever it is. You just have to be brave enough to find it.
Wednesday, December 17, 2014
December 17th, 2014
December 17, 2014
Well OK. I didn't keep my promise in August, that I would write more often. Life this year has been very crazy, hectic, and psychotic. Not really much I wanna meditate on, but many good things I do want to share. Though its been a rough first year of marriage, Devon and I will make the one year mark next Sunday.
The first two weeks of this year I was in a deep depression, as well as postpartum blues had finally gotten a tight grip on me, and all I could think about was running. I don't know where I was, or what I was doing. I just knew I had to run. I fought that urge and decided a divorce would be better. Well, that didn't happen either. So I took a trip, and a vacation to our local mental ward where I was diagnosed with sever borderline personality disorder. I was given medicine and released back out into the world. With a new diagnosis and no idea how to control it. So things just got worse.
My husband, fighting depression, pain and me; lost his battle on May 9th, and overdosed on heroin in the parking lot of the grocery store. Thank goddess some young men from French Town found him during a quick trip for some snacks between track meets. They managed to pull him out of the Jeep, and resuscitate him. He spent the night in ICU and 20 days in the mental ward, and ca,e out knowing he was done with the drugs. He has since then been sober and clean, and is steadily making it back to the man he once was.
My daughter Nani had to go to Tutu's house during all of this. I wanted her out of harms way, safe, and with family. I regret choosing this becasue she is so far away, and visiting isn't exactly easy. But there are good parts to that as well. She gets to know her Tutu and Papi, and Great Tutu came for a visit. Aunty Dianna, and Aunty Kara, and Aunty Mo are all getting to teacher very cool things. Ravyn has a play mate and Uncle Byrd has another miniature person to spoil. Nani has a boyfriend, little Austin, and goes to Tutu and me days. She has lots of animals to play with, and has learned how to use the big girl potty, drink out of big girl glasses, and her vocabulary is getting enormous! So as always there are good and bad, and always ugly. But its what you make of it that is the difference between, bad and ugly. I miss her so much, I'm now going insane without her. But if I keep on track, and stay out of trouble, Daddy and I will be with her soon. With any luck before the snow melts.
I've tried to keep up with my school work, but after Nani left, there isn't any fun, rhyme or reason, to do it. Yea yea, I learn but I don't take it to heart, I don't read the books... no one to read it to now except for the dog. I haven't lost the want to get my degree, I've just lost since of why. Its hard to explain but if I'm not being a better me, why try. The only reason I had to be a better me was Nani. With her gone, what do I have left, but to get her back. I want school in my heart, but my mind is not ready to grab a hold of that 50 pound weight and run, when it barely even turns on most days.
I'm still not ok, but I am better then what I was. Like I said, a rough year, but with some unknown power source on my side, whether it was AA, NA, counselling, crying, knowing what I want, the goddess, the fates, whatever. I have made it almost 365 days, since the beginning of this nightmare. But as I look closer, it has been just one more year of lessons learned. Yes, the hard way, because well... I wouldn't have it any other way. Next time, I will try harder, be stronger, and not be afraid to call a time out. I will push until I break, but I won't push alone. And instead of allowing myself to be absent minded, I think I will blog it more often.
So this year, I want you to take your good, your bad and your ugly; I want you to learn from it, and grow from it. DO NOT regret it, for it is something you must learn. If you must regret anything, regret not of having learned sooner.
Love,
L.A.
Well OK. I didn't keep my promise in August, that I would write more often. Life this year has been very crazy, hectic, and psychotic. Not really much I wanna meditate on, but many good things I do want to share. Though its been a rough first year of marriage, Devon and I will make the one year mark next Sunday.
The first two weeks of this year I was in a deep depression, as well as postpartum blues had finally gotten a tight grip on me, and all I could think about was running. I don't know where I was, or what I was doing. I just knew I had to run. I fought that urge and decided a divorce would be better. Well, that didn't happen either. So I took a trip, and a vacation to our local mental ward where I was diagnosed with sever borderline personality disorder. I was given medicine and released back out into the world. With a new diagnosis and no idea how to control it. So things just got worse.
My husband, fighting depression, pain and me; lost his battle on May 9th, and overdosed on heroin in the parking lot of the grocery store. Thank goddess some young men from French Town found him during a quick trip for some snacks between track meets. They managed to pull him out of the Jeep, and resuscitate him. He spent the night in ICU and 20 days in the mental ward, and ca,e out knowing he was done with the drugs. He has since then been sober and clean, and is steadily making it back to the man he once was.
My daughter Nani had to go to Tutu's house during all of this. I wanted her out of harms way, safe, and with family. I regret choosing this becasue she is so far away, and visiting isn't exactly easy. But there are good parts to that as well. She gets to know her Tutu and Papi, and Great Tutu came for a visit. Aunty Dianna, and Aunty Kara, and Aunty Mo are all getting to teacher very cool things. Ravyn has a play mate and Uncle Byrd has another miniature person to spoil. Nani has a boyfriend, little Austin, and goes to Tutu and me days. She has lots of animals to play with, and has learned how to use the big girl potty, drink out of big girl glasses, and her vocabulary is getting enormous! So as always there are good and bad, and always ugly. But its what you make of it that is the difference between, bad and ugly. I miss her so much, I'm now going insane without her. But if I keep on track, and stay out of trouble, Daddy and I will be with her soon. With any luck before the snow melts.
I've tried to keep up with my school work, but after Nani left, there isn't any fun, rhyme or reason, to do it. Yea yea, I learn but I don't take it to heart, I don't read the books... no one to read it to now except for the dog. I haven't lost the want to get my degree, I've just lost since of why. Its hard to explain but if I'm not being a better me, why try. The only reason I had to be a better me was Nani. With her gone, what do I have left, but to get her back. I want school in my heart, but my mind is not ready to grab a hold of that 50 pound weight and run, when it barely even turns on most days.
I'm still not ok, but I am better then what I was. Like I said, a rough year, but with some unknown power source on my side, whether it was AA, NA, counselling, crying, knowing what I want, the goddess, the fates, whatever. I have made it almost 365 days, since the beginning of this nightmare. But as I look closer, it has been just one more year of lessons learned. Yes, the hard way, because well... I wouldn't have it any other way. Next time, I will try harder, be stronger, and not be afraid to call a time out. I will push until I break, but I won't push alone. And instead of allowing myself to be absent minded, I think I will blog it more often.
So this year, I want you to take your good, your bad and your ugly; I want you to learn from it, and grow from it. DO NOT regret it, for it is something you must learn. If you must regret anything, regret not of having learned sooner.
Love,
L.A.
Monday, August 18, 2014
August 18th, 2014
What is it about recovering addicts that's makes their family members so un-willing to trust them again? Well let's see if I can't answer that for you. It's is a job to love some body unconditionally, we the family members take it upon ourselves, whether through blood or marriage to choose to love you unconditionally. But do not think for one moment that means you can just take our love and break it. Don't believe that you can take the trust you are given break it and then ask for more. See being a family member is a two way street. In order to continue receiving our unconditional love, and our trust; you must continue to not take it for granted. And that is why it is hard for us family members to be willing to trust addicted family members again. We did once, we will again. But first you must earn this trust. Otherwise what is the point of being family. While your busy using drugs and your family, we are trying to save you. Some of us win, but most of loose. In my case I lost. You may still be alive, but you have let your flame die. And what hurts the most is the thought that I once was the spark that had relighted your flame. So no. I do not trust you. I'm hurt, I am angry, I have no reason to trust you. Until you change that, that's how it will be.
Sunday, August 3, 2014
August 3, 2014
August 3rd, 2013
Well time sure does go by fast. Today two years ago I meet my husband today. There has been some adventures but good amd bad on the way. But were still fighting every day to push each other to grow, learn, and suceed in all we do.
Tomorrow our little girl turns two. I am sad, yet I am happy. I am sad because I won't be with her to celebrate her birthday. But I am happy because her papi and tutu tell me she's a good, smart, amazing little girl. My husband told me every day how aweaome I was doing, but I doubted my self. My theory is though if many people tell you its a duck, then it must not be a platypus. So its very wonderful to hear my parents tell me, that we did a great job. I'm proud of my little girl.
If all works as planned I at least will be with her for Christmas. Of course in this situation sooner is better, and both husband and I are best. But I've learned in life to take what your given and make the best of it. So please feel free to send positive energy, prayers, and blessings our way. Theres only $2, 000.00 and two people standing between my daughter and I. I will not let her go much longer without me.
Love and light my friends,
LA
Saturday, June 7, 2014
June 6th, 2014
JUNE 6, 2014
Hello Lovies,
I m so sorry its been a while since we last spoke. I wanted so much to keep up on my blogging back in April when I last wrote to you all, but May turned into the month of trials and hell. But here we are together once again and it is June so with any luck and a shimmer of kindness fro the fates this month will treat me a little better.
Where do I begin? Well I guess I'll do this chronologically to the best of my memory...
So on the evening of May 9th, Hubby over dosed on heroin, and by over dosed I mean was flat lined dead. Some boys from French-town were here in Kalispell for a track meet and they happen to come across Hubby passed out in the Jeep engine revving, and doors locked. Thankfully one of the boys could reach through the small opening of the window and unlocked the door. An older woman who happen to see all of this too came over as the boys were pulling Hubby out of the jeep and started giving him rescue breaths and heart compressions. An ambulance was called as was the fire department and the local police. Mean while back at a friends I get a phone call from a police officer saying that my husband had over dosed and I needed to come get the jeep because the dogs were in it. Needless to say, I died; right there. My whole world just collapsed. my daughter had to be taken to my parents not 3 weeks ago, because I knew we were about to be homeless; so she is gone. And now my husband is dead and receiving rescue breaths... If I was ever going to commit suicide, that would of been the day. Then why am I still here? Because my daughter is my sunshine, I am going to have at least her back in my life. Come hell or high water; Ill take those parenting classes, Ill take anger management, hell Ill even take meditation classes just to prove that I am a god damned good mom.
Well Hubby pulls through the over dose, and spends the next 12 days in Pathways, our local Mental Hospital. He goes through with drawl, and is finally fully sober for the first time in almost two years. He's angry, hard to talk to, hard to even look at with the love in my eyes that I do have for him. I found out that he had pictures of naked women I KNOW on his phone, not to mention about 600 other pictures of naked women. There are dating websites and conversations that are not ok. Yet put the shoe on the other foot and he would of left me... All of this on the phone of a man who PROMISES he takes HIS vows seriously. Hmmm... how serious is serious and how faithful is unfaithful. What is your definition of cheating? Yet I get accused of having pictures on my phone, and not talking to people when he is around and so on and so forth, which is all a figment of his twisted mind. Yet he is the one who walks out of the house to answer his phone. I am not the only one who has watched this happen on numerous occasions. Its turned into a tit for tat relationship, if that is even the proper term for whatever in the hell this mess is. I just wanna stab him in the throat with my wedding ring and make him swallow it; or choke on it... either way I am hurt, I am Pissed Off, and as an added brownie point I have not been taking ANY of my medications so I am extremely unstable, suicidal and well now I'm drunk.
It is now about the 21st of May and Hubby is released from Pathways to go live with a slum lord who houses addicts and alcoholics by the dozens in a four bed room home. 5 guys are still using, 2 are still drinking and 1 is smoking pills in the basement. Yup, just where unstable hubby needs to be. But the slumlord, nor the three probation officers think hubby is ready to come home. Which I actually agree with. At least in slumlords house there is curfew, and rules with consequences. They are slow to react, and I really don't like the place but its what hubby needs. Slowly, and day by day hubby and I go through the ups and downs and finally find a level playing ground. Daily he is going to NA/ AA meetings and I go with him, one to be supportive and two, well because I am an alcoholic. I had 4 years and 48 days of sobriety before the night of May 9th. As of today, the 6th of June I have not had a drink in 14 days. I want many don't get me wrong, but I HATE the tit for tat bull shit, so if I am going to require hubby to stay clean and sober in order for our relationship to keep going, then I should lead by example and stay sober myself. To me, sobriety for my family and my happiness is worth not drinking.
Now besides the verbal arguments and hurtful things that have been said, I feel... ok. I'm not better, but I am breathing, I am taking my medications, and I am alive. On the 1st of June I moved into my own apartment. I'm starting over from square one. My daughter is with my parents and family and she is healthy and safe. Hubby is on his own, I'll talk to him, I'll spend time with him, hell I even kiss him and tell him I love him. But right now its ME time. Time for me to heal from the sicknesses I suffer. Time for me to heal from the wounds of this 7 month war with my own husband. It is time from me to get healthier, happier, and find my balance again.
Today I joined the SBGi (Straight Blast Gym international) for Jujitsu classes, as well as some yoga, and to become healthier inside and out. I need balance and calmness in my life. My mind is chaos all the tie, something in my life needs to not be mayhem. Although the last few days I have felt a bit calmer and a little more stable I will forever be a dormant volcano, waiting for the day I explode, and destroy everything. But if I can keep that at bay for a few more decades the little piece of my world will be a much safer place to be.
I start school again next Tuesday. I was supposed to go back in May, but being homeless and all; I extended my leave of absence. But I am excited to get to do school work again. Who knows with nothing but my Jujitsu classes, counseling, and sleep at random times I have nothing else to concentrate on but school work. So my grades should pick up as well as my complete comprehensions of the material I am trying to learn. So the month of May tried to destroy me, but I came out stronger, more determined, and hell bent harder than I have been in just over ten years.
Hubby, daughter and I will all end up together again, and better than before. Its gonna take some time, and there is a lot of issues in just that; which I require myself to work through. So as always thank you for being here, and letting me rant and rave and be mad. Someday I may just find sanity. How horrible would that be?!?!? Then what would all you lovies do???
Goodnight my loves,
LA
Hello Lovies,
I m so sorry its been a while since we last spoke. I wanted so much to keep up on my blogging back in April when I last wrote to you all, but May turned into the month of trials and hell. But here we are together once again and it is June so with any luck and a shimmer of kindness fro the fates this month will treat me a little better.
Where do I begin? Well I guess I'll do this chronologically to the best of my memory...
So on the evening of May 9th, Hubby over dosed on heroin, and by over dosed I mean was flat lined dead. Some boys from French-town were here in Kalispell for a track meet and they happen to come across Hubby passed out in the Jeep engine revving, and doors locked. Thankfully one of the boys could reach through the small opening of the window and unlocked the door. An older woman who happen to see all of this too came over as the boys were pulling Hubby out of the jeep and started giving him rescue breaths and heart compressions. An ambulance was called as was the fire department and the local police. Mean while back at a friends I get a phone call from a police officer saying that my husband had over dosed and I needed to come get the jeep because the dogs were in it. Needless to say, I died; right there. My whole world just collapsed. my daughter had to be taken to my parents not 3 weeks ago, because I knew we were about to be homeless; so she is gone. And now my husband is dead and receiving rescue breaths... If I was ever going to commit suicide, that would of been the day. Then why am I still here? Because my daughter is my sunshine, I am going to have at least her back in my life. Come hell or high water; Ill take those parenting classes, Ill take anger management, hell Ill even take meditation classes just to prove that I am a god damned good mom.
Well Hubby pulls through the over dose, and spends the next 12 days in Pathways, our local Mental Hospital. He goes through with drawl, and is finally fully sober for the first time in almost two years. He's angry, hard to talk to, hard to even look at with the love in my eyes that I do have for him. I found out that he had pictures of naked women I KNOW on his phone, not to mention about 600 other pictures of naked women. There are dating websites and conversations that are not ok. Yet put the shoe on the other foot and he would of left me... All of this on the phone of a man who PROMISES he takes HIS vows seriously. Hmmm... how serious is serious and how faithful is unfaithful. What is your definition of cheating? Yet I get accused of having pictures on my phone, and not talking to people when he is around and so on and so forth, which is all a figment of his twisted mind. Yet he is the one who walks out of the house to answer his phone. I am not the only one who has watched this happen on numerous occasions. Its turned into a tit for tat relationship, if that is even the proper term for whatever in the hell this mess is. I just wanna stab him in the throat with my wedding ring and make him swallow it; or choke on it... either way I am hurt, I am Pissed Off, and as an added brownie point I have not been taking ANY of my medications so I am extremely unstable, suicidal and well now I'm drunk.
It is now about the 21st of May and Hubby is released from Pathways to go live with a slum lord who houses addicts and alcoholics by the dozens in a four bed room home. 5 guys are still using, 2 are still drinking and 1 is smoking pills in the basement. Yup, just where unstable hubby needs to be. But the slumlord, nor the three probation officers think hubby is ready to come home. Which I actually agree with. At least in slumlords house there is curfew, and rules with consequences. They are slow to react, and I really don't like the place but its what hubby needs. Slowly, and day by day hubby and I go through the ups and downs and finally find a level playing ground. Daily he is going to NA/ AA meetings and I go with him, one to be supportive and two, well because I am an alcoholic. I had 4 years and 48 days of sobriety before the night of May 9th. As of today, the 6th of June I have not had a drink in 14 days. I want many don't get me wrong, but I HATE the tit for tat bull shit, so if I am going to require hubby to stay clean and sober in order for our relationship to keep going, then I should lead by example and stay sober myself. To me, sobriety for my family and my happiness is worth not drinking.
Now besides the verbal arguments and hurtful things that have been said, I feel... ok. I'm not better, but I am breathing, I am taking my medications, and I am alive. On the 1st of June I moved into my own apartment. I'm starting over from square one. My daughter is with my parents and family and she is healthy and safe. Hubby is on his own, I'll talk to him, I'll spend time with him, hell I even kiss him and tell him I love him. But right now its ME time. Time for me to heal from the sicknesses I suffer. Time for me to heal from the wounds of this 7 month war with my own husband. It is time from me to get healthier, happier, and find my balance again.
Today I joined the SBGi (Straight Blast Gym international) for Jujitsu classes, as well as some yoga, and to become healthier inside and out. I need balance and calmness in my life. My mind is chaos all the tie, something in my life needs to not be mayhem. Although the last few days I have felt a bit calmer and a little more stable I will forever be a dormant volcano, waiting for the day I explode, and destroy everything. But if I can keep that at bay for a few more decades the little piece of my world will be a much safer place to be.
I start school again next Tuesday. I was supposed to go back in May, but being homeless and all; I extended my leave of absence. But I am excited to get to do school work again. Who knows with nothing but my Jujitsu classes, counseling, and sleep at random times I have nothing else to concentrate on but school work. So my grades should pick up as well as my complete comprehensions of the material I am trying to learn. So the month of May tried to destroy me, but I came out stronger, more determined, and hell bent harder than I have been in just over ten years.
Hubby, daughter and I will all end up together again, and better than before. Its gonna take some time, and there is a lot of issues in just that; which I require myself to work through. So as always thank you for being here, and letting me rant and rave and be mad. Someday I may just find sanity. How horrible would that be?!?!? Then what would all you lovies do???
Goodnight my loves,
LA
Saturday, April 19, 2014
April 19, 2014
April 19th, 2014
Wow! So many things have been started, accomplished and set in to motion that some days its overwhelming. First the move to Hawaii has been approved we just have to be sentenced, and do the paperwork. Second, we are looking for a new home to stay in, due to our landlord wanting to sell his home that we reside in. Then I have been diagnosed with not only bi- polar disorder 2, PTST, and anxiety, but also border line personality disorder sever. So accordingly my meds have been changed. Devon is now in counseling, and were looking into marrage counseling.
School work has been rough these last two months due to the deepest depression I have been in, in almost 10 years. But on the bright side, on the 16th of April I went down to Fort Harrison for a Board of Veteran Appeals video conferance with the Judge. (Thank you mom.) I would love to say it went well and that once I get my new records to him, that I think I have finally accomplished recieving my 100% with individual unemployability. I'm just too screwed up any more to deal with being in the public. Which brings me to yet another achievement, I have been perscribed an emotional support animal, as has Devon and Nani. So maybe that will be helpful when going into pupblic places and things that trigger my anxieties.
OH!!!! Our official marriage certificate came in the mail yesterday, its in a frame hanging next to some othere photos and love decorations. I do love Devon with all my heart, but again I'm so messed up I can't properly show it, which is one of the projects Im working on. Also started a sunflower garden, and have Nani helping me. Its our mother/ daughter activity we chose for the summer. We also got bird houses and a bird feeder, so we have more visitors from nature.
I also want to creat a mommy time out room. Where I can go to be alone but at the same time it can be my alter room, my meditation room, just a room for mommy. No children allowed. It would be a quite relaxing zen spa like room where you can only come in with love and peace in your heart. This way it is an emotionally safe space for Devon and I to talk.
So as you can see I've been a busy little bee, but its all for the better of my family and my self and our relationship. You know its bad when your 20 month old daughter argues with her self because she see mommy and daddy do it. Once we have our new home, whether its here or Hawaii, there is going to be a new set of rules for the family. Like NO FIGHTING NEAR NANI. If she's gotta go to a babysitters or to tutu's house so Devon and I can argue then so be it. But Nani needs to see love, passion, happiness, and joy. I don't want her growing up not knowing these emotions.
So on a final note I've been hospitalized psychologically, twice now with in the same month. I'm not ok, but for my mother, my husband, my daughter and myself, I won't stop fighting.
I love all of you, and may you all be blessed with love, hope, joy, and prosperity.
LA
Saturday, April 5, 2014
April 4th, 2014
April 4, 2014
I am so sorry to have been gone away for so long. So much has happened since my last post I don't know if I can name them all.
But the fighting between hubby and I are and have been getting worse. His fuse is becoming shorter as is mine. I ended up in the local mental ward for a few days, so I could try and dig up what it was that was driving me to suicidal thoughts. Besides the financial stress of hubby loosing his job, and both of us looking at 5 years probation, the internal issues inside the two of us, fighting to survive the internal battle we both fight, it ended up boiling down stress, internal anger because I feel Im becoming more and more of what I don't want to be and the internal issues that my husband is fighting. But we have decieded to stick to our handfasting and our vows, and help each other with what we nee. Not the matieralistic things but the deeper things that will matter for years to come.
I have continued with counseling and a change in medications which... seem to be helping some days. I am still doing my schooling as it helps me feel progressive and it helps a little financially. Nani is continuing to push my buttons and her boundaries but with discipline, and repetitiveness it seems to be taking effect. We have also started on working on potty training. She has her own potty and will sit on it but has yet to use it... we have pull ups for day time, and diapers for naps and bed times. We're learning the word potty... now if we can just get all of our ducks in the same sock.
For my husbands birthday I got him an Old English Bull Dogge, and I now have 2 Chihuahuas. Im wanting to get the all registard as companion animals for us 3. They are an added bundleof laughter and play, as well as teaching Nani to be responsible. I have her help me keep water and food for the chiahuahus, and to be gentle with them. So Judge is the bull dogge, Dredd is the male Chihuahua, and Kate is the little girl Chihuahua. They are all so cute, and wonderful
But off to bed it is fom me. I love you all, and blessed be.
L.A.
Sunday, February 2, 2014
Febuary 2nd, 2014
Its been a while my friends. So much has happened in the last three weeks, I'm not sure I can remember it all.
Mine and hubbies fights are getting worse, Koda went home, and my hubby has been caught lying to me. We both have court dates coming up soon and were struggling to pay bills. So the stress in my home is very dangerously high. I say dangerously high because though I have managed to not hurt myself in 7 years, the urges to do so are coming back. The nightmares are coming back and all to familiar emotions and feelings are returning. I feel as if I have some how failed, my husband, my daughter and myself. Yes, I am in counsiling again and some few days it helps, but most days I fear its to late.
I just wanted to stop in and let all of you know I'm still alive. I hope your all doing good and remembering you are loved.
L.A
Friday, January 17, 2014
January 16th, 2014
January 16, 2014
Oh my friends what a time it has been. Its been fights and arguments and some smiles and happy moments. I don't know what is wrong with me, but I can push any bodies buttons faster then two shakes of a bunnies tail. I think I am on the verge of a huge anxiety attack. But that is why I am here with you all now, instead of doing what my anxieties are telling me to. I'm fighting it, constantly fighting it though is really starting to wear me out.
I have so much to do and so little time to do it all that it just cannot be done in time. As I am sitting here writing this my wonderful husband is scrubbing down the house. It makes me feel horrible that the house is in such disarray that he feels he has to clean it; just because I cannot keep up. But we had a talk about him wanting to help more, so even though I feel bad that he is doing it even on his own free will mind you, I'm not going to make him stop. On top of the fifthly shame of a house, I have a laundry pile to the ceiling, insurance needing to be purchased, taxes coming up, a yard full of doggy poo that needs cleaned up, a chimney to get swept, a down stairs that needs cleaned, carpets that need vacuumed and shampooed, stuff all over the house to be put away, thrown away or given away, school work due tonight that is still not done, a play pen and a crib to wipe down, sanitize, and re- make after spending two days with a sick baby, with bed time past by about three hours.
Why am I so far behind??? Well after going to bed this morning at 6am and waking up at 11am to get ready for husbands court date, coming home around 2:30pm to turn around and take sick and hurt baby and hurt hubby to the emergency room, and finally getting home at 9:45pm, I am just too exhausted to do anything but sit here and talk it out with you why I am so angry, bitchy, and snippety.
It's not by choice mind you, so something has to be going on with me or my immediate surroundings causing this over flow of negativity. There has been nightmares, night terrors, and even a few sleepless nights since my last blog. There is something with in myself or my surroundings causing this flow of negativity, and I HAVE to find it soon before it destroys my life as I know it. So I'm GOING to list TEN positive things in my life and my surroundings and then I'm off to find out when the waning moon rolls around so I can cleanse my life of all this negative energy.
I have been trying to meditate as I fall asleep so that I can wake up in a better mood, some days it works others not some much. I have eliminated people and things out of my life that brought about negativity, I and I have even gone so far as to start this blog to try to have a spot where I can let everything out. Yet, here I am no better for the wear.
So here it goes... TEN POSITIVE THINGS
...wish me luck.
1.) I have a wonderful husband who loves me and his non- blood daughter with everything he has.
2.) I have a beautiful, smart, and loving daughter, who wants nothing more then to be happy.
3.) I have a warm home in which to eat, sleep, stay clean, and healthy in.
4.) I have my physical needs met.
5.) I am working harder than ever to resolve my mental and emotional needs.
6.) I am smart, funny, fairly well educated, and I CAN BE LOVING.
7.) I am facing the consequences to my actions with a more mature out look.
8.) I want to be in a life - long relationship with my family, I do not want to quit or give up, just because it is hard.
9.) I am hard headed and stubborn, when I want something, I don't stop until I have it.
10.) The outside and the insides of my life may seem messy at times, but I have to give credit when it is due, I have a better grip on it now, then I did two years ago.
Oh my friends what a time it has been. Its been fights and arguments and some smiles and happy moments. I don't know what is wrong with me, but I can push any bodies buttons faster then two shakes of a bunnies tail. I think I am on the verge of a huge anxiety attack. But that is why I am here with you all now, instead of doing what my anxieties are telling me to. I'm fighting it, constantly fighting it though is really starting to wear me out.
I have so much to do and so little time to do it all that it just cannot be done in time. As I am sitting here writing this my wonderful husband is scrubbing down the house. It makes me feel horrible that the house is in such disarray that he feels he has to clean it; just because I cannot keep up. But we had a talk about him wanting to help more, so even though I feel bad that he is doing it even on his own free will mind you, I'm not going to make him stop. On top of the fifthly shame of a house, I have a laundry pile to the ceiling, insurance needing to be purchased, taxes coming up, a yard full of doggy poo that needs cleaned up, a chimney to get swept, a down stairs that needs cleaned, carpets that need vacuumed and shampooed, stuff all over the house to be put away, thrown away or given away, school work due tonight that is still not done, a play pen and a crib to wipe down, sanitize, and re- make after spending two days with a sick baby, with bed time past by about three hours.
Why am I so far behind??? Well after going to bed this morning at 6am and waking up at 11am to get ready for husbands court date, coming home around 2:30pm to turn around and take sick and hurt baby and hurt hubby to the emergency room, and finally getting home at 9:45pm, I am just too exhausted to do anything but sit here and talk it out with you why I am so angry, bitchy, and snippety.
It's not by choice mind you, so something has to be going on with me or my immediate surroundings causing this over flow of negativity. There has been nightmares, night terrors, and even a few sleepless nights since my last blog. There is something with in myself or my surroundings causing this flow of negativity, and I HAVE to find it soon before it destroys my life as I know it. So I'm GOING to list TEN positive things in my life and my surroundings and then I'm off to find out when the waning moon rolls around so I can cleanse my life of all this negative energy.
I have been trying to meditate as I fall asleep so that I can wake up in a better mood, some days it works others not some much. I have eliminated people and things out of my life that brought about negativity, I and I have even gone so far as to start this blog to try to have a spot where I can let everything out. Yet, here I am no better for the wear.
So here it goes... TEN POSITIVE THINGS
...wish me luck.
1.) I have a wonderful husband who loves me and his non- blood daughter with everything he has.
2.) I have a beautiful, smart, and loving daughter, who wants nothing more then to be happy.
3.) I have a warm home in which to eat, sleep, stay clean, and healthy in.
4.) I have my physical needs met.
5.) I am working harder than ever to resolve my mental and emotional needs.
6.) I am smart, funny, fairly well educated, and I CAN BE LOVING.
7.) I am facing the consequences to my actions with a more mature out look.
8.) I want to be in a life - long relationship with my family, I do not want to quit or give up, just because it is hard.
9.) I am hard headed and stubborn, when I want something, I don't stop until I have it.
10.) The outside and the insides of my life may seem messy at times, but I have to give credit when it is due, I have a better grip on it now, then I did two years ago.
Friday, January 3, 2014
January 3rd, 2014
January 3, 2014
Ok, I need to know. Who else wakes up from a bad dream, with that fight or flight felling, but you can't remember your dream so you don't calm down as quick?
Yep, that's exactly why its 0312 and I'm wide awake. Yet, I know I should be dead asleep. On New Years I was upnuntil about 4 am, safe at home but was wide awake. Yesterday 201412 I got maybe 15 minutes of sleep as injust couldn't sleep, then there is today. Went to bed around 1930 with sleeping medicine, and at 0222 woke up scared as shit. As a stay at home mom and wife most would think it'd be ok, but what isn't know to non- parents is you only get to sleep when they sleep. And with a 16 month old already having the terrible two symptoms, sleep is only after 10 pm and before 5 am. Not a lot of time to catch up on lost sleep. Oddly enough I now need sleep. Before I became pregnant, sleep was not reqired, now and since pregnancy sleep is demanded not just by my body but by my head. Sometimes one or the other disagrees, but most of the time it is I kicking and screaming when I am put to bed. Funny how things change like that. I don't always think its funny, actually 99% of the time I am angryb that I am not like I used to be in many ways. Back 3 years ago, I didn't require food, sleep, much medication, or comfort, or arguing, or ... anything really. Now food, sleep, comfort, medication, assurance, and so much more are daily requirements some times more than once. Its ridiculous to me, when I don't understand what changed so dramatically. And when I don't understand, I do become frustrated and irritable.
Not much of a long day ahead of me. Take hubby to work, fix jeep, Im positive I know what is wrong, do a few loads of laundry, make appointment at 1300 to try to help my friends family with some issues with the two kids, pick up hubby at 1630 and make dinner, and put laundry away. So not a horribly busy day, yet with out the required amount of sleep by 1300 I know ill be dragging @$$. But don't cry for me, hubby hasn't been to sleep since the night of december 29th. So he hasn't slept all year. Is it possible that I could be gaining back my insomnia? As long as the mental stability comes back with it I honestly won't complain. Every mother and housewife can use a few extra hours, right ladies?! OH!!! And to the Mr. Moms out there kudos to you!!!
Well since were both up, I think ill take the opertunity to cuddle and spend time with hubby.
Peace, love and blessings,
Leilani A.
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
January 1st, 2014
January 1, 2014
Well its official. Its not even 7pm on the first day of the new year and I have started it off with a great arguement.
I went up to the hospital to visit my dear friend after recieving news of her improvement, and I took Nani with me as she has always helped Momma Lisa to feel beter. We did get to say hello and see that beautiful smile of hers. I think she tried to say, " Hi, Nani!", but havinga tube Iin her mouth made it hard to tell. But her smile said it all. So of couree once out of the elevator I call hubby and tell him the good news. I had to have Nani walk as she has become too heavy for me to carry with a hurting back and neak. Nani being a curious child she has to stop every three steps to figure out what kind of stuff is on the ground. So I'm on the phone and trying to get her to just walk and of course no is the answer I get. I'm also trying to help hubby over the phone save his FAVORITE WHITE shirt. Of course by now I'm agrivated because I hurt, Nani's unwillingness to comply, and I use the wrong words wrong tone and now I have up set hubby. F'ING perfect.
I drop my phone while trying to buckle Nani in her car seat and wondering why i cant ever not sound like im upset about anything; I managed to upset hubby even more. He calls back but I'm struggling trying to buckle Nani in, and I miss his call... great. I get her safely buckled in I grab my phone and call hubby back. And apperantly that is how you start an arguement. so the whole five minute drive home were discussing how to fix his shirt. I need it in hot water NOW. I always manage to use the wrong tone, wrong words wrong wrong wrong... always F'ING WRONG!
So I get in side we're discussing and i mention I finally understand how he says I get worse with out my meds and apparently I argued last night, and now again tonight. He decieds to say his first marriage was practice to find what he wanted in a wife, some one who argueesall the time. So feeling like comolete shit I retire to our room. After some more discussing, I managed to make him feel like shit on total accident. All I said was I'm sensitive to the things he jokes about. And then I appologize for being to sensitive.
Im so tired of being wrong, wrong words wrong tone wrong everything. I'm begining to wish I had never survived some horrific stuff. I know I know its a sign of deep depression blah blah blah... BULLSH! T!!! Is a sign of being to tired to keep fighting fate.
L.A.
Well its official. Its not even 7pm on the first day of the new year and I have started it off with a great arguement.
I went up to the hospital to visit my dear friend after recieving news of her improvement, and I took Nani with me as she has always helped Momma Lisa to feel beter. We did get to say hello and see that beautiful smile of hers. I think she tried to say, " Hi, Nani!", but havinga tube Iin her mouth made it hard to tell. But her smile said it all. So of couree once out of the elevator I call hubby and tell him the good news. I had to have Nani walk as she has become too heavy for me to carry with a hurting back and neak. Nani being a curious child she has to stop every three steps to figure out what kind of stuff is on the ground. So I'm on the phone and trying to get her to just walk and of course no is the answer I get. I'm also trying to help hubby over the phone save his FAVORITE WHITE shirt. Of course by now I'm agrivated because I hurt, Nani's unwillingness to comply, and I use the wrong words wrong tone and now I have up set hubby. F'ING perfect.
I drop my phone while trying to buckle Nani in her car seat and wondering why i cant ever not sound like im upset about anything; I managed to upset hubby even more. He calls back but I'm struggling trying to buckle Nani in, and I miss his call... great. I get her safely buckled in I grab my phone and call hubby back. And apperantly that is how you start an arguement. so the whole five minute drive home were discussing how to fix his shirt. I need it in hot water NOW. I always manage to use the wrong tone, wrong words wrong wrong wrong... always F'ING WRONG!
So I get in side we're discussing and i mention I finally understand how he says I get worse with out my meds and apparently I argued last night, and now again tonight. He decieds to say his first marriage was practice to find what he wanted in a wife, some one who argueesall the time. So feeling like comolete shit I retire to our room. After some more discussing, I managed to make him feel like shit on total accident. All I said was I'm sensitive to the things he jokes about. And then I appologize for being to sensitive.
Im so tired of being wrong, wrong words wrong tone wrong everything. I'm begining to wish I had never survived some horrific stuff. I know I know its a sign of deep depression blah blah blah... BULLSH! T!!! Is a sign of being to tired to keep fighting fate.
L.A.
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